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The online diary of an ethical pervert.

Wednesday, 18 June 2008

Shock treatment

I'm tied to a chair with latex tape and rope. My mouth is held open by a metal dental gag, wire jaws sitting behind my teeth, it feels light and cool against my face and is deceptively constricting. The construction is such that it rests in place and I can't dislodge or spit it out even though it feels like I should be able to. My thighs are burning hot from the cane whose bite is not getting any easier with use, I struggled against it and I think I screamed, but both of these things are reactive and have no effect on my situation: there's a gleaming focus in Ethical Hedonist's eyes which I both adore and fear as a sign of things to come.

He cuts the tape around my legs to survey the damage and feel how wet my cunt has become then, patiently, he inserts a small white pod with electroplates inside me. I don't know what to expect which scares and excites me so to progress forward is the only option. The meter is placed on my thigh and he holds the remote control loosely in his hand. The game is very simple: the voltage will escalate and I will respond. The pain is new: the shock hurts and forces a contraction in the muscles, holding them in place for as long as the current runs. It is a dull, heavy sensation, a little like being punched. Nothing like the crackling sharpness of electricity on skin, this is deep and hard. The intimacy of it is also extremely powerful, to be so trapped and to have something within me the effect of which I can neither see nor anticipate. He removes the gag so I can give clearer responses.

Aversion therapy combines an unpleasant sensation with undesireable behaviours in order to reduce or eliminate such actions, if not attitudes. The sensation can in theory be anything, but an electrical shock is a common example. He moves to kiss me and I reach towards him, I don't want to stop kissing him. Which leads me to three possible hypotheses for future trial: that the pain is not unbearable enough, that I am subconsciously engaged in palacatory behaviour although logically I know that there is no appeasement possible, or that I am actively and in-the-moment enjoying both of the sensations of power he is pressing upon me. Perhaps it is a combination of all of these, certainly they feel linked, and they are also pyschologically interred in the concept of torture or treatment: a facilatative violence seeking a certain outcome.

When he slapped my face earlier, I felt myself go a little limp. The stunned moment afterwards became a vast space, and I leaned towards him, not in anticipation of another blow, but as a reflex action, to make it easier for him to stroke my hair. As he kisses me, whilst increasing the voltage and shocking me again, I get the same reaction. Rather than pull away in revulsion at the one who is the cause of my discomfort, I strain to touch his tongue with mine, press my mouth increasingly desperately towards his. The outcome of the stimulation is my enhanced submission.

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