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The online diary of an ethical pervert.

Thursday, 26 June 2008


I have a habit of codifying my reactions to BDSM in terms of the intellectual and the physical. Although I do get certain responses in play which could be considered emotional, they tend to feel to me more like reflex actions: I'll be scared if I'm hurt and know I'm going to be hurt again and I get that powerful sense of attachment towards my partner when I feel like I'm "theirs".

This isn't to say that I don't have a psychology when I'm submitting, I do, but it is disconnected from myself because of the role I adopt: passive, well-behaved and doll-like. I create a gap between my "real" self and my identity in play which means that theoretically my own emotions don't enter into it. I have sexual desires, often very strong ones, and these condition my service, but I wouldn't call such a primal need emotional. But this is only the surface, only part of what is really going on.

Whilst BDSM activity can create the illusion of false intimacy between partners, especially through powerplay, there is also real intimacy involved.
I relate to both of my regular partners as people and as friends so there is a blur between that neat little dodge I think I create through roleplay. My emotions are that part of me which is most private and this post was the most difficult one I have ever had to write and has taken by far the longest to work through. I find it very easy to talk about my body and what I'm thinking, speaking about what I'm feeling in response to my activities is hard, because of what it exposes.

No matter how I intellectualise or objectify myself, I will always have feelings about my partners that are external to response to play. There is no "off" switch that occurs in play, thankfully, because that would divest us of ourselves. I get a little anxious sometimes, I am concerned that they might get bored or just find someone more interesting, I feel genuine attachment and miss them sometimes. I worry about these feelings and how they might affect my relationship with two people who are in (open and poly) relationships with other people.

This is the first time I've been in a position to explore these specific considerations as most of my play has been confined to monogomous and closed relationships or random play in clubs. I'm in a different place now, in both kink and vanilla lifestyles and whilst it can be nerve wracking for me because it is new ground I am also genuinely happy, and wouldn't be rid of that emotion for the world.

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