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The online diary of an ethical pervert.

Thursday, 12 June 2008


I am a feminist, a submissive, a generally well-rounded and confident individual. I am smart and capable. I also often have rape fantasies. Brutal, totally non-consensual rape fantasies with heavy amounts of violence, often including long periods of captivity or torture. I know that in reality, I would not "enjoy" being raped. I know that in reality it is an awful crime and that many people have suffered from it. I have been very lucky to never have experienced any form of non-consensual sexual violence, or even violence. I've never been threatened or even had something similar intimated to me. As such it is a totally theoretical and alien concept for me: my emotional response to it is based on intuition and fantasy. It has no grounding in my understanding of myself or my world.

Can it be replicated in play? I don't think so. After all, there is a problem in consenting to not consent. To want to not want. Certain aspects can probably be imitated on some level but never the thing itself. Ultimately it is an experience that cannot be experienced - an activity that consenting to and planning for destroys the underpinning meaning of the act. A meaning which only really exists in my mind, because the reality would be appalling.

Should it be replicated in play? A more interesting question, perhaps, especially given that it is unclear precisely what could be replicated and also why I would want to do it. Obviously this is something that has to be handled with extreme care, and could not, for example, occur in a club because of the potentially triggering effect on others and also the privacy and intimacy required.

In my mind, rape is extremely attractive, very exciting and very, very hot. I understand the difference between that which exists in my head and that which lives in the real world, I know that they are not the same thing, but I also know that there is a connection between the two, and I'm trying to pick appart what it is about rape that turns me on. It renders the subject powerless, knowingly so, and I enjoy powerplay. There is a lot of force, including forced entry, and therefore exciting because of the extreme physicality: rough and painful, involving struggling, kicking, yelling and so on. There is also the aspect of the forbidden. Rape is transressive, liminal and dangerous. I think I am interested in it as an expression of need, that which demands and takes irrespective of the damage caused, an act of pure violence upon the body, mind and also upon the spirit. It is therefore dehumanising and objectifying.

It is the phrase "in my mind" that rings loudly for me. Within my head, the rape, is, of course, not a rape at all, it is a series of images I have conjured for myself, controlled, safe and without any existance in this world. There is no pain, no sensation, nothing beyond that which I imagine. What I want is a fantasy, an unattainable experience that cannot be created. A pain that I will not truly feel. A trauma that I will not actually suffer from. I am in love with an awful idea that is not awful because it is just a concept to me, I do not understand it. A woman who has lived her whole life in the desert, dreaming of drowning in the black depths of arctic waters, safe in the knowledge she stands on dry ground.

1 comment:

James said...

Very interesting questions...
To which the following is only my opinion...


Rape fantasy: THE top women’s fantasy ever. Interestingly in Vanilla world it’s about getting animalistic sex whilst having no publically attributable guilt to the fact you enjoyed it...but slightly different in BDSM, I think! Point being, I wouldn’t feel guilty for having these fantasies when the rest of your gender do too... 

You are a feminist, a submissive, and a generally well-rounded and confident individual
... so you challenge all of your sexuality and that includes your vulnerability. An ex once said that the point of BDSM play was that it was like walking with know that at any second they could turn on you, but that you would survive to go back and challenge – a certain sense of indestructibility. I liked her because she was strong in her femininity. I think that’s why both she and you are sexually challenging the world around you...

Victory in final defeat
I know you to be someone with a strong and together front. I know that you are ‘in control’ even when you’re not. There is a fear amongst people that one day they will lose, fail and become that tiny little person they are on the inside. An event such as (play/fantasy) rape, abduction, torture, etc is the ordeal that takes no account of your front and reduces you to that which you feel to be your most vulnerable...It is a day that many LONG FOR. When you are defeated, dominated, etc, etc. you can relax your responsibility, let go and stop fighting. Indeed, you can 'relax without guilt' and see what ‘just you’ really is and that it is enough to be a credible, admirable person.

Who we REALLY are...
We are THE ultimate species in OUR universe. The reason the aliens films are so popular is that they reflect an aspect of us that we can recognise – they’re us without speech – you can’t reason with them; they are the pitiless destroyers and ultimate survival machines. Civilisation takes the alien, sits it down for a tea party and polite conversation and then wonders why it has ‘a moment’...
Ok, perhaps you’re uncomfortable with the alien parallel and wonder what this has to do with the argument? You and I are creatures and in this plastic world we need a visceral event to break the bubble reality we live in where all we do is drown in a minutiae of sterile monotonous day to day crap. Our bodies are built for a war that mostly doesn’t exist: we need to feel something deeper and more primal so that our bodies and mind doesn’t ‘get soft’.
We are animals and we need animalistic experience/contact/whatever...


I believe that you’re looking for the sexually fulfilling and non-mentally damaging act that’s termed ‘play rape ‘ or to put it another way – rape with only the benefits. Real rape, as you rightly pointed out is not something that anyone would want to experience and I can guarantee is nothing like your fantasies...

So with that in mind: Is it possible?

Yes it is possible...My ex was an actual rape victim and eventually we crossed that barrier (on my suggestion and on her request) and it became a favourite of ours.
Ok, so why did I suggest that to a rape victim?! Simple. BDSM is often about reclaiming a traumatic event - in the same way as people make humour out of illness and death - it's a rebellion against a bigger scarier force (sound familiar...?). I knew it would be something she'd love (especially the idea that I could just, at any moment, take her down) and that it would be a positive experience for her.

I knew I could handle it too - all I had to do was ‘commit the crime’ without reminding her of her personal experience. Further, she trusted me to be able to handle any form of mental backlash or collapse that happened...and I did.

You yourself don't have that problem; however, there is the possibility of traumatic reaction to the take a while: find someone you trust. It is important to note that the bit of Rape that you cannot recreate is the mental trauma and long-lasting psychological scarring on the level the real event that's good news!

Consent: The way around this is to give blanket permission so that you have no idea when it's coming. This is why you should also get someone you trust and they would certainly have to trust you: Thorough negotiation and signed documentation might be a good idea (with an expiry period, obviously). Consent is taken away to a sufficient degree as to make it exciting but not enough to make it dangerous...

Planning is something you should have no part in, young lady! ;)
Let go your the initial hypotheticals, then leave it alone...

Safe wording is the next problem...The choice here is all yours...welcome to the Ockham's razor of BDSM - protection vs danger - how simple will your solution be? I don’t feel I know you well enough to say this without an appeal to your calmer thought and clemency: Try not having a safe word... (Waiting for the screams of other Doms and lots of dull mantra). You and I both know the risk that carries – hence I would suggest that this should be done with someone you really know and have practiced with (there are ways around familiarity too...)

Short short version: You’d have to submit to someone on a level you’ve never done before – scary for both, but potentially so much fun!


Why not – there is no actual crime or victim and recreating fantasy for pleasure is a good thing.

I believe that you have the rare chance to be the woman who has lived her whole life in the desert, who can experience the black depths of Arctic waters with the cunning aid of an aqualung!