I am a feminist, a submissive, a generally well-rounded and confident individual. I am smart and capable. I also often have rape fantasies. Brutal, totally non-consensual rape fantasies with heavy amounts of violence, often including long periods of captivity or torture. I know that in reality, I would not "enjoy" being raped. I know that in reality it is an awful crime and that many people have suffered from it. I have been very lucky to never have experienced any form of non-consensual sexual violence, or even violence. I've never been threatened or even had something similar intimated to me. As such it is a totally theoretical and alien concept for me: my emotional response to it is based on intuition and fantasy. It has no grounding in my understanding of myself or my world.
Can it be replicated in play? I don't think so. After all, there is a problem in consenting to not consent. To want to not want. Certain aspects can probably be imitated on some level but never the thing itself. Ultimately it is an experience that cannot be experienced - an activity that consenting to and planning for destroys the underpinning meaning of the act. A meaning which only really exists in my mind, because the reality would be appalling.
Should it be replicated in play? A more interesting question, perhaps, especially given that it is unclear precisely what could be replicated and also why I would want to do it. Obviously this is something that has to be handled with extreme care, and could not, for example, occur in a club because of the potentially triggering effect on others and also the privacy and intimacy required.
In my mind, rape is extremely attractive, very exciting and very, very hot. I understand the difference between that which exists in my head and that which lives in the real world, I know that they are not the same thing, but I also know that there is a connection between the two, and I'm trying to pick appart what it is about rape that turns me on. It renders the subject powerless, knowingly so, and I enjoy powerplay. There is a lot of force, including forced entry, and therefore exciting because of the extreme physicality: rough and painful, involving struggling, kicking, yelling and so on. There is also the aspect of the forbidden. Rape is transressive, liminal and dangerous. I think I am interested in it as an expression of need, that which demands and takes irrespective of the damage caused, an act of pure violence upon the body, mind and also upon the spirit. It is therefore dehumanising and objectifying.
It is the phrase "in my mind" that rings loudly for me. Within my head, the rape, is, of course, not a rape at all, it is a series of images I have conjured for myself, controlled, safe and without any existance in this world. There is no pain, no sensation, nothing beyond that which I imagine. What I want is a fantasy, an unattainable experience that cannot be created. A pain that I will not truly feel. A trauma that I will not actually suffer from. I am in love with an awful idea that is not awful because it is just a concept to me, I do not understand it. A woman who has lived her whole life in the desert, dreaming of drowning in the black depths of arctic waters, safe in the knowledge she stands on dry ground.
5 weeks ago