The importance of fucking

During a discussion with The Photographer last night I noted that the vanilla dating process has sex as the goal of one's efforts whereas BDSM tends to take some form of sexual activity as read and then focuses in on how it's going to be done, moving straight into discussions of limits and so on. This does nicely side-step any anxiety about how to handle that good-night kiss, but also slightly marginalises sex.

Whilst there are endless reams that one could pore over regarding rope bondage, wax play and flogging there doesn't seem to be a lot of noise about BDSM fucking. The build-up appears to be key and penetration is more of a piece de resistance or an end-game rather than being entirely coupled with play. This is a shame, because I consider sex to be an integral part of submission. The desperate desire to be fucked, to satisfy and bring someone to orgasm, the feel of a cock inside me.

Perhaps a focus on sexual technique takes us into the fearful realms of the conventional and we'd much rather not admit that there are borders and overlaps. I know that there are some people for whom play is one thing and sex is another and oftentimes they will play with certain people and only fuck their partners, which is of course, fine. There are a lot of avenues that can be explored purely through sex from very basic variation of positions to more highly developped practices such as those of neotantra, which are all food for thought for those of a physical bent.

There is pleasure to be gained in learning about someone else's body, to discover what turns them on and what they enjoy aside from the paraphenalia of BDSM. I am not for one minute suggesting that I wish to divest myself of collars, chains or cuffs, but rather that there should be a seamless flow between both: there are boundaries to be pushed within and without.