There were three very distinct stages to the Doll Project over the weekend: making the Doll, taking photos and fucking with / as a Doll. The first had an air of dressing-up to it, play-acting and it felt very frivolous and non-serious. I kept throwing suggestions of clothing and make-up at The Photographer, hoping something would stick, the aim being to create the Doll that he wanted. As it turned out he didn't have a specific "look" in mind so I made something that was perhaps more me than him. Porcelain skin (I am pale anyway), kohl rimmed wide eyes, red stained mouth and long black hair. A light, pink see-through negligee and high heeled black patent shoes helped finish it off - clothes that implied a usage rather than actually covering anything. I think that the overall look was "pretty" rather than anything else, which I did like, giving a feel of femininity, accessibility and a certain vulnerability. The Photographer was slightly thrown by how not-me it looked, which is also perfect, an air of the unheimlich.
Once fully dressed (undressed?) I felt different. No longer playful, but a little cold and calm. When he came into the room with the camera, he started to talk to me and I actually couldn't respond, it didn't feel appropriate. Instead, I just sat there, eyes focused on a point directly in front of me, blinking slowly at regular intervals in time with my breathing. One blink for every two breaths, steady and rhythmic, as if powered by a machine. It was quite a meditative experience and I didn't feel my body or physical presence except as a slightly disconnected series of activities: breathing, blinking, the occasional swallow, holding my focus on nothing in particular. Not reacting. Unlike remaining still as a footstool, I had no connection with my own desires or sexuality, but neither was I swimming with sensation as when used as a canvas. I felt barely there at all. The couple of points where he touched me to move me into a better position were interesting: when he pressed on my chin to part my lips into an "O" shape I felt a twinge of excitement in my cunt, as if a connection point was touched.
We took a break to view the images and discuss how he wanted to fuck the Doll: he decided that he didn't want something passive so I suggested an active sex toy, something specifically designed to please him. The other rule was that the toy could not speak or make any noise. When we started I found that my focus had changed once more, now I was concentrating very hard on what he was feeling. He put his arms around me and held me for a while and rather than relax into him or turn to kiss him as I normally would I stayed quite still, only flexing when pressure was exerted. My own sensations were still very much reduced in as far as my own pleasure was concerned. His responses became my responses.
I started by undressing him, carefully. keeping my face impassive and my gaze blank. Once naked, I sat him on the edge of the bed and licked his cock, lightly at first, playing with his thighs and chest with my nails. The goal was for him to receive the maximum amount of pleasure for the minimum possible effort on his part. To be able to lie back, relax and enjoy himself. After a while, I stripped and climbed on top of him to fuck him with a mechanical motion. I kept staring straight ahead, trying not to betray any of the sensations within me which started to build as I fucked him. I tried to keep the pressure and pace constant and firm, exactly like a machine might, only varying when he moved, so that I could better move with him. It was very quiet, punctuated only by his odd moan. Eventually, he put me on my back and fucked me until he came, then handed me the used condom and pushed me to one side. A nice gesture that would have made me smile, if my face were not held so rigid. As a final act, I crawled over to his cock and sucked it clean for a while, before collapsing in a slightly awkward heap, tired out.
He later described it as "having a submissive without all of the effort" which feels as if it was a success from that point of view. The fucking was quite difficult because of how passive I had to remain at all times whilst all the while thinking hard about what would please him most, rather than responding instinctively with moans or reacting to my own pleasure. In that respect it was almost a type of bondage without rope or chain - I was held by a role that I had to enact, that kept my limbs in a certain position not because they were fixed but because it was a better angle to fuck him from. It was also quite tiring, both physically and mentally, because I was quite concerned with making it work, with getting it right. I'd like to try being a totally passive "rag doll" object and also perhaps a more directed one, I also think it could be an interesting role to adopt at a club.
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