BDSM Etiquette

Like a modern version of courting procedure, or perhaps a kinky version of The Rules, I wholeheartedly support a system of Ways Of Behaviour when looking for a new play partner. I'm attempting to create these guidelines at the same time as carrying them out, learn by doing, I suppose. It's a three part scheme: contact via text, face-to-face and then skin-to-skin.

Textually Speaking

There's an art to establishing whether or not you want the same things, I suppose in vanilla terms this would be some sort of hobby-led smoker/non smoker compatability. Here, there is more room for flexibility, after all, I know there are some things I could be persuaded to like. Yet I'd never want a smoker. I've found it's best to be honest and very up front with what I want and to avoid the coyness and well-if-you-want-it-ness that girls can often find themselves cursed with. I'm working with a very useful red, amber, green system at the moment. Red for stuff I won't touch with yours, Amber for that which I am interested in but nervous about and green for go-for-your-life, needless to say this is a moveable feast but it's worked out thus far in negotiations. Chatting via email is nice because you get a feel for how someone composes their thoughts, also you can proof for spelling and brains. IM has been a bit hit and miss, it seems to work better with those that I know, especially if it veers off into (more) sexual territory, as you have more of a feel for tone and humour.

Seeing eye to eye

I won't know if I want to be fucked by you until I can see you, hear your voice, look at your hands. The neutral meeting in a sensible public place is the cornerstone of establishing trust and guaging what you are really like in person which will help me get a sense of what you will be like to play with. The spark of interest sometimes just doesn't happen, not matter how excitable the emails got (the anonymity of the internet allows us all to build up mental pictures that are often better than life). And the reverse is also true, an average note writer might come into his own in person. There is, of course, another motive to the meeting. I want to know if you've lied. If you said you're tall, dark and handsome and you arrive short, fair and plain, we are not off to a good start. Your level of self-awareness is important to me as it expresses confidence and cool-headed judgement. I want these things in a Dom, more so than I want tall, dark and handsome. Of course, I'd like both, but I'd also like Sean Bean, wielding a crop and wearing a military jacket open at the waist. I'll take honest and real over a cringing fabulist any day.

Touch me

The first scene, first fuck, first kiss, first grope even, are all litmus tests. We connected by text, chatted in person but what happened when your skin met mine? There's a lot of waffle about "fireworks" and "electricity" yet nevertheless there is a certain physical frisson that either happens, or doesn't. How does your body respond to my touch, how do I move when you put your hand from my shoulder to my waist, when you push me lightly, then harder? From here, we could go anywhere, and I hope you will take me somewhere nice, a bit new, a bit frightening.

At each stage, the failure or success seems to be down to personal eccentricities of happenstance: my hormones like your hormones, my fingers don't like your fingers. I expect there is some science behind this, and perhaps I'll look into it someday. The key thing is: it's no-one's fault and it's ok to say no. This isn't a marriage with kids, where we have to Make It Work, no matter the emotional or pyschological cost. This is an agreement between adults for mutual pleasure. Keep that in mind.