So, here I am, in the murky world of dating. Why is it murky? Because people seem to have a curious dislike of showing their faces. Which is odd because faces are key to important decisions such as whether I find someone attractive, so I tend to require them in advance. I don't do blind dates, I like to know who I'm meeting. There's another reason going on, of course, and that is to do with personal honesty and lifestyle attitudes towards BDSM.
I have a note on my dating site profiles stipulating that anyone who contacts me must have a photo (they also must have been able to write a reasonable summary of who they are and what they want). My own profiles have plenty of photos, in which I am easily recognisable, so I'm not asking for anything I'm not prepared to do myself. It's part courtesy, part advertising the goods and also part political. I am not shy about my involvement in BDSM and being open includes people being able to see my face. I also view keeping "secret identities" as a code for being either embarrassed, or worse, cheating on an unsuspecting partner. I'm not interested in dating people who are those things, not through a moral objection (although I consider the latter to be rude and unfair on all parties), but because we won't get on - we already disagree on some basic issues.
The main reason I have received from those camera-shy individuals is that their career is somehow imperilled. I generally reject that flimsy argument on the grounds that if their boss or potential boss has managed to find them on a kinky website then there are more questions due to the boss than the other way around. And if any form of "coming out" is such a threat to their career, then perhaps they might want to rethink either that career or whether they can happily participate in the scene. Of course, those are decisions for an individual, and not for me, but equally, those decisions don't apply to me and I don't have to consider them relevant. I'm happy for people to live their lives however they want, however, I too have my own yardstick. And I'm sticking to it.
The other argument of course, never voiced, is that they consider themselves ugly and unattractive. Whether this is true or not is a bit of a moot point, beauty being in the eye of the beholder and all that, how it comes across is that they are somehow, by withholding these images, attempting to "trick" me into a meeting at which point... Well, what? How is such a charade going to be continued in person, and what else might be being concealed from me? I have no idea why such behaviour is necessary, it seems a bit disingenuous, and just a little time-wasting. Everyone has their rules and specifications about what they are looking for in a partner, so why make life difficult? There's no point me hunting down someone who has a yen for long hair, massive breasts and Tory party leanings. I have none of those things and would rather meet with someone who was attracted to me for how I do look.
I'm in an annoying position at the moment in which an otherwise eloquent and interesting person has contacted me. The profile didn't have a photo, but they did kindly supply some links to images of themselves on another kinky site. Which was all fine and good. They later contacted me saying the link was wrong, asking for an email address to supply photos. I don't usually agree to this, because I expect more upfront behaviour than that, but we'd been chatting for a bit and had already agreed a date, based on those original, now suspect, images. So I sent him an email address. We're due to meet on Friday and the images have still not been sent despite reminders, which have been ignored. All of this is a little suspicious and I'm currently not inclined to meet and have told them so. We'll see what happens.
If nothing is forthcoming, I might have Friday evening free, if anyone has any suggestions?
Abandoned to his fate in inescapable rope
3 months ago