After having a lot of fun dressed up as a doll for Crimson (and receiving a number of exciting memos on the subject) I'm going to try and revitalise the doll project again this year. It had fallen by the wayside during my relationship with The Photographer, possibly because of the level of artifice involved in what was a very real relationship. I've had a number of interesting doll conversations over the past few days which have prompted some thinking, mostly on how the doll operates as part of a submissive identity and the ways in which a doll persona can be played. In particular, I've been focusing on the doll as exactly that - a human sized doll, rather than other, more straightforwardly objectified alternatives.
I get very turned on by the process of becoming a doll, which is as important as being a doll. Dolls are very much defined by their passivity, by what is done to them. the first step is putting on the costume, then adopting methods of acting and reacting and finally being placed in certain positions and situations in order to test those reactions and the responses of my partners. Participation is key - the doll is very limited without an audience, dolls need someone to play with them, to dress them up and put them away again afterwards. I'm particularly looking forward to finding someone for whom I can create a doll that exactly matches their desires - this links in with my need to please, but there's also something very exciting about making oneself into the perfect gift. Being viewed is important so photography will be a big part of the project this year, as will public performance and public outings to clubs and similar as a doll.
The doll is a way of being and behaving that I can adopt in order to pursue certain sorts of sexual gratification. It hits a lot of my buttons. It's also a lot of fun. The doll is a role, a mask. Critically, it has its roots in dress-up and forced-feminisation, not in age-play. My doll is not a little girl or childlike, there may be similarities with certain dolls - my most recent outing was very much a Victoriana style girl doll - but what you see isn't always what you get with dolls. The look is also about fabrication, about non-reality, essentially about not being "me" and losing all those controlling elements and self-authoring facets of my own personality to become a kind of tabula rasa. One of my favourite comments on a recent doll was "oh look, you could rape it and not feel any guilt!" The instant assumption of an "it" rather than a "she" was quite revealing because that doll was almost aggressively feminised (lots of make-up, rouged cheeks, rosy lips) yet instinctively made object perhaps because of these layers of pretence. The real woman was hidden. The doll remained. Similarly, because of this removal of the real woman, the doll becomes something that can go further, have more done to it, than a real person. Ideally a doll would stay where put, withstand a lot of damage and utter no complaint.
That will be a serious personal challenge, especially where pain is concerned, and I'm still thinking about how I'm going to overcome that. Part of me is attracted by the strength of mind and body required to keep still and quiet whilst undergoing stress, another part is very interested in ways of actually staying calm throughout and being able to experience as a doll, rather than pretend to experience. A current thought is to use painkillers or tranquillisers, the main contenders being hypnotic (diaz types) such as Valium or Rohypnol or which is interesting because I haven't used much chemical support in my play with the exception of Ecstasy and more recently, Poppers. Obviously this will require further thought and discussion, particularly on safety and possible reactions, though I am fortunate enough to count chemists amongst my close friends. Additionally, I am interested in how I might not overcome the passivity-problem, and if there is enjoyment and catharsis to be got from having the doll-form destroyed and the real woman revealed, a little like a strip tease, but one in which I am forced to stop playing with dolls, to acknowledge my own weakness and suffering and to become myself once again.
5 weeks ago