You take your kink where you can find it, and sometimes it can be found in the most unexpected situations. I was doing interviews all this week and found myself watching the candidates, become not precisely turned on, but certainly piqued by erotic curiosity. They were nervous. And nervousness looks like excitement which feels a lot like sex. They were in a safe but scary place. A place where they were on the back foot - a little powerless - yet with opportunity to perform, to prove themselves. They knew roughly what was going to happen, but no details, and they were not exactly sure how they would react. I knew that place.
I watched them. Watching their bodies display themselves. Hands fluttered, pulling hair away from the face, fingers twitched, lips were licked. A sheen on the cheekbones, forehead and nose. Voices were occasionally halting, eyes looked down. One even said, breaking her otherwise ice-cool demeanour: "I'm sorry, I'm just a bit nervous." I think I may have curled a little smile that hopefully came across as pleasant and reassuring. Rather than mildly predatory. One had the most beautiful blushes. They appeared slowly on the neck and collarbones, blooming like a pattern of flowers that darkened from mild pink to a glowing red. They looked like burns or scalds that had appeared simply because of the situation we had put her in, that she had chosen to do. The blood rushed to the skin to advertise the adrenaline that must have been pumping around her system.
And there I sat. Calm, confident and in control. There was no overt feeling of power or dominance on my part - if anything there was the odd pang of empathy for what they must be going through, a desire to placate or reassure. But I also wanted to keep watching. More than that, to participate, to help them get through whatever was causing them distress, to the other side of relief. To facilitate the discomfort. Similar to the boy on the rack I wanted to soothe a stranger whilst causing anxiety to them, to pull out all those private responses we keep locked away and expose them.