In trying to get exactly what I want in a BDSM partner I run the risk of hurting people's feelings. I also run the risk of hurting my own. Of course, the only way of never getting hurt is to never connect with anyone ever, and these connections are important to me. But they have to be the right ones, under the right, shared assumptions and carried out in the right way. Two meetings this weekend underline how I'm trying to do this. Mostly be talking, of course. But hopefully it's honest talking.
A date on Friday which I was really looking forward to - we seemed to be a match on paper and we had a very nice evening. Good company, laughter and several things on common. The difficulty was that he is not what I was looking for, so on Sunday I had to write an email explaining this, and trying not to sound like a twat. After all, I can only be honest. Yes, I had enjoyed myself, but as he himself noted in an initial email - it was unsure whether we would actually be sexually compatible. And that's the main target for me. I'm not looking for a life partner. I'm not looking for a boyfriend. The ability to enjoy someone else's company is, in many ways, secondary to matching BDSM desires and attitudes. First and foremost I want an active, attractive kinky partner whose perversions and how they explore those perversions matches my own. Serious companionship is an added bonus, and can come later (obviously assuming that they are SSC, not an idiot and at least let me have a cup of tea before I go home to type it up).
There is another thing, of course. Call it the "click", call it animal attraction, call it lust-at-first-sight, call it chemistry. But it's real and you can't force it nor logically decide whether or not it will be there. It either is or it isn't. No matter how much of a match you might be on paper, until you actually meet someone you cannot sense that intangible pull. Everyone knows that pull. If you could bottle it, you'd make a fortune. It's the invisible line that smacks you right in the desire that moment someone comes into range and, through some action, word or even scent, they just have it right.
In conversation with Captain on Sunday, we had almost the same conversation in reverse. He was worried I was looking for the boyfriend experience, from him. I'm not sure how or why, possibly my keen-ness to book in play dates had come over as a desire for something else entirely. Additionally, we'd had seriously crossed wires the previous weekend where I got very annoyed with him over what I took to be a rejection of my advances, on the back of a (false) assumption we were going home together, then didn't. Leaving me to fend for myself and without the fucking I had hoped for - something that obviously kicks me directly in the pride and the libido. He hadn't assumed we were going back together, and so hadn't formulated a decision in advance on what to do. We talked that over, then discussed where we were both coming from, and what we might want from each other. We're in the fortunate position that how we play is a good match and he is very experienced which allows me to relax and not worry about his methodology. I can worry about other things, like how much it is going to hurt. Our difficulty lies partly in the way we organise our kinky lives (I plan, he freestyles) and the fact that because he is currently my only BDSM partner I want more time from him than he either has or is willing to give. I'm pretty confident that we're going to continue to see each other, but the sparsity of his availability is a little depressing, because I enjoy playing with him and would like to see where we could go and especially with the D/s element, which only time will tell.
5 weeks ago