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The online diary of an ethical pervert.

Thursday, 16 December 2010

The journey to the middle

A post that's been brewing for a while, and from the writing list. It's almost the time of year for mulling over and sorting through where I'm at, where I'm going next. But before that, the preamble. The point of this blog is for me to track, not exactly my progress because that implies that there is an end goal in mind, but certainly to record the journey I'm taking. I like being able to look back, with fresh eyes, on things I've done and to see how they have gotten me to where I am now, the trajectories that they have set me on.

Fetlife has a series of labels for how to describe your sexuality, and one of them is "in flux / evolving" I like that, the idea that sexuality, like personality I suppose. Who I am isn't fixed but changes as I learn and grow, most importantly, it changes with each new lover, new friend and new experience. Everyone I come into contact with teaches me something about myself, my kink and what I want from life - even if the experiences are bad or make me unhappy they are still worthwhile, if only because then I know what I don't want or need. It's also taught me to be less scared of new circumstances or of trying something different. There is a standing joke with Captain "what's the worst that could happen?" and it's true. Challenging decisions and situations seen through make you braver and stronger. In a small way, and without advocating any form of kink-as-therapy, the road I've taken over the years has made me better, to use a very subjective word.

Perhaps it's clearer to say that I have become the person I want to be, and a person I think my younger self would be proud, excited and perhaps a little intimidated by. In the same way, the I hope that the person I will become will look back on what I'm doing now and be happy with those experiences.

As a switch I know that my desire to be top or bottom (or to switch in and out) depends on the person I'm with - it's a sexual response rather than a built-in fixed state of being. Similarly, it alters with my mood, some days I feel more D than s. I had an interesting conversation with Spirit where she commented that she found it hard to get a read on me, on how she wanted to relate sexually to me, and that my androgyny was hot. All compliments, as far as I'm concerned. I used to worry that mutability was a sign of indecision, now I know that this in-between place is the area I want to inhabit. It's not a case of being one thing or the other, but of being both, neither, together or at different times.

Here's to the middle of the road. See you there.

1 comment:

Lilith said...

I too have often felt like you describe; that I have become the person I want to be, and often look back on who I was thinking, "I'm glad I am no longer that person", even feeling sorry for who I was. However, that cycle repeats again and again. I have had that moment, that thought, somewhere between ten and twenty times in the last five years.

You appear to have found a contentedness with the wearying cycle of constant rebirth that I have not. It gives me hope. Certainly of late I have been less dismayed when looking back.

As for the middle of the road, well that is a fascinating place to be. Many of the joys of BDSM are found in the extremity, but I too have started to wonder lately if there is another way; a place where two kinky people can entangle without clearly defined roles, allowing their egos to morph/flex/dance around each other.

Certainly, my own brief experiences of such have been very fun, and very "natural". Something I intend to explore further. That said, I think that there will always be a place for extremities of persona (eg. traditional D/s play), and some couplings will always tend to latch into a certain dynamic. However, I also suspect that with the right person, someone who is a match in terms of intellect and willpower especially, there could be magnificent fun in the middle. ;)