For the past week or so I've been getting the very odd (for me) desire to fuck complete strangers. Not in the sense that I have seen a particularly attractive person and wanted to bag and tag them, but rather faceless, anonymous, "don't speak" encounters where they leave before it gets light allowing you to have breakfast in peace.
I've never really had these kinds of interactions before so I'm uncertain whether the reality will live up to the fantasy. Those faceless forms that are the basis of masturbatory image flashes are perfect because they are not real. Real people are complicated, messy, contradictory and have their own baggage of needs and wants. The bodies in my head are none of those things - they belong in their entirety to me and act only according to my whims.
Talking to a friend over dinner last night and he explained the joys of one night stands - of being able to take what you want, moving to the extremes of physicality, humiliation and shame and wiping the slate clean in the morning. He's (mostly) vanilla, so I can see how he might want to separate those practices, or only indulge with people he's not interested in forming a long-term bond with. For me, it's obviously different. I've always thought that I couldn't really engage in BDSM with someone who I didn't know at least well enough to have a proper sit down chat with. I suppose I need the comfort that a few email exchanges and personal knowledge brings, certainly if I'm the bottom / submissive in the scenario.
I've recently found my experience of being dominant compromised. I was let down and that has put a bit of a dent in my willingness to interact in any meaningful D/s way with people within my friendship circle. I'm finding that amongst the people I know and care about, I want to keep certain boundaries, recently the idea of sharing a bed with someone else was something my subconscious balked at. I suppose part of it is that don't want to mess up any more friendships by adding anything other than casual club and party play into the mix. I absolutely enjoy doing both those things, however they don't give me everything I need right now. They tend to be less intimate and less sexual (the two generally go hand in hand for me), which means, ultimately, no fucking. And I need fucking. If I don't have regular sex I get grumpy. I'm grumpy now, for example.
My current train of thought is that perhaps this new desire, combined with my generally toppy mood is a signal that more transactional and less in-depth sexual play goes hand-in-hand with my exploration of dominance. I'm also getting a lot more superficial about my requirements from a partner, which is admittedly hard given I was quite superficial in the first place. What I need to do now is to find ways of satisfying and interrogating this desire - I'm certainly hoping that putting-it-about-a-bit at Kinky Salon will scratch the itch. I also think that having assignations which are primarily for the purpose of BDSM outwith my circle of acquaintances will be a good thing for me. I am writing the words "no strings attached" on messages a lot these days, let's see how that goes.
5 weeks ago