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The online diary of an ethical pervert.

Wednesday, 3 June 2009

Contingency plan

My dress is pushed up to reveal my cunt. The exact amount of space required for The Photographer to use me, no more and no less. An efficient amount. He's still clothed, fly unzipped, pants moved aside to be able to penetrate me with the minimum amount of effort or preamble. Perfunctory fucking.

I've been waiting for him to use me, to want to touch me, to play with me all day. I'm disappointed, but trying not to show it, after all, I'm his. That's the deal. To be used as much or as little as he wants. I hope for the former, but here I am with the latter. I'm not managing it very well, truth be told. There are some, small parts of the moment that I am enjoying, little corners of headspace that are pleasurable: being used is always good, being used without hesitation, without pause for niceties is even better. I like the idea of being always ready, always willing, always wanting. I also like the feeling of being an object that partial clothing gives - I am neither undressed or re-dressed in a sexual or romantic context, I am just made ready for use.

However, these mental compensations are not enough. I feel a sense of loss, of unease and unhappiness. I'd cleared the evening, hoping for a nice, long play session, but alas, not to be. The problem with the type of D/s that we have in which he controls the sexual use of my body, is that I am contingent on him wanting me (and wanting to do things to me) which has the effect that if he doesn't (for whatever reason) I feel like I've missed out. I often use sexual activity as a barometer for relationship health, which can be problematic. Like now. Quickies have their place, as required release of sexual tension where not enough time can be found, but not as a substitute.

There is selfishness in my submission, I am not an altruistic being, I enjoy sex and I enjoy kinky sex. It's not possible to totally surrender myself to what someone else wants and desires unless there is enough there for me also. We have had a couple of discussions about this, and I expect it might be an ongoing negotiation. Currently, I'm putting the hiatus down to the long distance, the heat and some other real life issues.

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