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The online diary of an ethical pervert.

Sunday, 23 January 2011

Match, game, set.

Following on from thoughts about how to attract submissives, comes naturally a discussion on who I'm interested in. For me, BDSM is sexual, which means that sexual attraction generally consummates in something kinky. I do enjoy "rough and tumble" with my friends, and more experimental practice - the best way to learn something is to try it out on a willing compatriot, especially given they are more likely to offer clearer feedback than anyone entangled in a romantic liaison. Generally, however, it's about getting a sniff of the "right" sort of person - the kind I want to play with and have sex with. If I fancy someone and want to fuck them it will be because they flick my switch and I will want to top, bottom, dominate or submit to them - at the moment i am generally more toppy and dominant, but I'm still very much exploring and understanding what that means.

Like anyone else on the prowl for a lover, I look for what takes my interest. Perhaps this is similar in vanilla land, but for me different people will ping on my kinkdar (like gaydar, but for perverts) in specific ways. The down turned face of a high-cheek boned pale young waif on the tube will make me think of face slapping, grovelling and tears. The sweating back of a muscle-boy in the gym will make me fantasise about chase and capture, long, hard floggings or stress position bondage.

But that's me projecting onto these strangers. Deciding what I might like to do to them based on my own opinion from perhaps only a fleeting glance. In reality, before I play with someone I will know more about them than how the muscles in their arms flex when they bend to tie their shoelaces. I will have chatted to them, flirted a little and tried to understand what makes them tick. If I met them in a vanilla context I'll have not-very-subtly determined whether they are kinky or not (possibly subtlety appeals to some people but I like to know whether it's game on or if we're just going to be friends). Generally though, I tend to date via kinky circles, so at least that part of compatibility is sorted beforehand - the rest though, is still to play with.

It is unlikely, from any
particular pool of perverts that submissive X will automatically match with dominant Y - we can have checklists and I can see that we might be interested in the same activities but that doesn't mean we will want to do them together. Not all submissives are interested in the kind of things I want to do, similarly, I'm not interested in all submissives. The labels are only briefly of use. My desire to dominate meshes only generally and broadly with any given person's stated desire for submission: the trick is in how it's done, with what and to what effect, that's where the fun is

Physicality is only skin deep - bodies don't always provide the best indicator of what a person is into, but physicality is important because like all superficial and vain people I want my partners to look good. Yet it isn't the only thing, thought there is a strong overlap, fortunately, those people who I consider to be attractive are those with whom I have a kink connection must be there. I'm not sure which comes first in terms of catching my eye, nor how it works precisely, but the tingle is a good guide of whether or not I want them. I also like them smart and a bit "stand out" but perhaps everyone has the same opinion it's just that different people stand out to others. I do a lot of discussion before play, trying to decide on hooks and kinks that make me prick up my ears and I'm finding there's little consistency, except that I like to surprise people, to take them on a journey through things they have never done before, never done in that way or never thought they could do. There's a personal pride in being the first. Like when submitting, I want to be special: I suppose that feeling of individuality is what we always want from our lovers, whether kinky or vanilla.

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