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The online diary of an ethical pervert.

Tuesday, 1 September 2009

Nothing happened

Sexuality is a complicated thing, whilst my desires have never been simple, they have always, at least, been reliable. Not so much these days. I spent a night this weekend with the Knight of Wands being cosseted and reassured that I don't always have to have sex when I invite someone over and that not feeling up to it is fine. Equally, he was quick to add, should I feel the need then I should certainly pick up the phone. So that helped my general state as well as my ego. The trouble is that I have a couple of hang-ups over the sort of words we encounter in our early teens that are used to make us feel as if we should have sex when we might not want to. Prick tease. Leading someone on. Aside from the fact that I like to be honest and open from the outset, these words have been little black clouds in the back of my mind.

I don't want to start something I can't finish. I don't want anyone to feel as if they have been misled. I don't want to lie. Which cuts both ways of course - I'm not going to lie and say I feel like having sex when I don't want to. I'm not going to have sex if I don't want to. Which means that there are going to be evenings of comfortable awkwardness.

I say comfortable because we are both friends, we know each other and each other's bodies well enough to be able to lie naked side by side without the twitches and tremors of the new and unknown. Equally we are confident enough in each other and what we want to trust that we mean what we say. And yet there was awkwardness too. I found it hard to reach out for him or touch him, even just on the shoulder or to loop my arm around his waist in the morning to say "hello". Because the little black cloud in my mind reminded me not to. In case I was "teasing". It didn't matter that I knew, logically, that he was fine, that he understood where I was at the moment and more than prepared to just be around, to be two adults sharing the same space.

It feels odd to have such a response to nothing happening. Which is essentially what did occur. But I'm cagey on a number of levels. The Photographer and I are in a strange (difficult) space at the moment, something I'm still trying to work though, and this is having a knock-on effect both on my general desire for sex and play and for my feelings about myself and my confidence. He is my main partner, so when things are tricky with him I'm naturally cautious about anything I do with anyone else - again, I don't want to give anyone the wrong impression, or say things from a position of emotional (or otherwise) uncertainty. It's a lot to hold in one head, which is probably why I'm see-sawing a lot at the moment. Maybe it's my own uncanny ability to read a lot into nothing, but certainly Knight of Wands noticed it too and is being very supportive. It was probably a bit much, a bit too soon, but I don't regret it - I learnt a few valuable things about my sex drive and my state of mind. More connected than I had previously thought, so all the more reason to put time and effort into looking after them both.


Charles said...

I love the way you write.

Speaking as a married man of over 10 years, I feel able to comment on the other side of the fence. I also have reasons to regret the imprinting on teenage girls of the phrases like "Prick tease" and "Leading someone on". I am quite sure that some men are not emotionally mature enough to distinguish affection for foreplay. I for one, am quite happy for some sensual attention knowing that it is not (or may not), lead on to anything more let alone full intimacy.

Don't think for a second I am blaming you or any other female, it is just the way sociality is these days. In the long run I think we all suffer, in the girls case, as you highlighted in the feeling that you can't do something and in the boys missing out on the reassurance of affection.

electronic doll said...

It's always funny coming across reactions like this. I know that they are irrational responses to have and are not connected to the person I am with at the time, however it's hard to pull yourself out of such a pervasive stereotype - even when you know it to be a stereotype.

Which is one of the reasons why I try to work to unpick these concepts, because they aren't actually "real" or helpful feelings - they are based on a bad viewpoint of ourselves, imposed from the outside. Hardly the stuff to found decent decisions on.

You're right that these conceptions can be problematic for society as a whole, especially when you consider that they form part of the moral makeup of what is perceived as acceptable "normal" behaviour.

No wonder nice young boys are turning to a life of BDSM...

Charles said...

You are right it is no wonder. Shame I did not fully embrace my feelings for BDSM when I was in my early 20's - I could have had so much fun.

Do enjoy your unpicking !