Changing sides

"It's hard not to reach out and touch you." I can tell. I can feel the tension in his skin, his muscles, the very obvious sensation that he is holding himself back. It's nice. It's more than nice. He is having to work at it and the effort of denial is part of his submission, what he is offering up to me. It's difficult. Lying still is difficult. Holding himself back (I've left him unbound for the moment) whilst I clamp clothes pegs onto his chest and nipples is difficult. I feel a strange mix of emotions - proud that he is able to do this, a huge wave of ego boosting endorphins at the realisation that he is doing it for me, to make me happy, sexual gratification in this offering up of himself to me. It means a lot. That he is doing it despite how difficult it is. That he wants to do it anyway. That he wants to serve me, even though he finds it hard.

Knight of Wands and I have gone through something of a gear change. I'm finding that taking charge is coming a lot more naturally to me these days - to be able to reach out and take what I want is much better, much more fulfilling and much easier than to let go. I can make my own timetable- deciding what I want and then doing it. It seems obvious to say that there is joy in simply satisfying my own desires, more joy when I know that doing exactly what I want is precisely what he enjoys. But it is still a new feeling to me. Especially with him - we've previously only worked with him on top. We started light. Very light. Essentially it was aggressive fucking with me giving directions. I've a current favourite activity of masturbating whilst getting him to fuck me slowly and to order - which I can recommend as a morning activity to anyone with the resources to hand.

I found it all very relaxing and somewhat luxurious, despite, or perhaps because of the simplicity. No chains, no cuffs. Just me and him. Previous forays into domination have usually been accompanied by tension - concerns that I was not giving my partners what they wanted or needed. The more I did it, the less I felt these anxieties. Now they are absent. Partly it's confidence in my abilities, another part is trust and knowledge: I know what they like and don't like, they trust me to keep within their limits, but additionally I know what I like, both in terms of practical things to do and also my own style of domination. Finally, it's about being able to relax. To know and be comfortable with the situation, accepting that they are there to please me, rather than for me to be there to entertain them with a variety of pleasure / pain scenarios. All of these things have made me better at doing it, made me enjoy doing it and, most importantly, desire to do it. Before it was an interest. Now it is a definite requirement.

I could feel it when we were alone in the room together, he reached out for me and that was the wrong thing. I should be reaching for him instead, holding his head this way and that. I would decide when and how and if we fucked, use his cock inside me until I came, directing his mouth and tongue to my own pleasure. We talked a lot, needless to say. He's one of my most talkative partners, and I always appreciate the thoughts he raises - like me, he probably thinks a little too much. We spoke about pain and how it might work, I'm (obviously) interested in inflicting pain because I know I like it, but I also am keen to work with punishment. He clearly gets something very different from it - there was a moment where he altered the pace and pressure of his fingertips on my clit to be more akin to spanking and, without thinking much, I slapped him lightly on the cheek to stop him. In my mind he had done something wrong and needed correction. The look in his eyes (hurt, confused) showed different: he was trying something that in the past, when he'd topped me, I'd enjoyed. But it wasn't the right sensation for that moment.

I'm not sure how far we are going to take this - but there is certainly a lot to explore. And next time, we're going to try something a little heavier. Which makes me grin as I type it.