Like any girl I used to keep a diary and there is still something very cathartic in expunging thoughts through text. Here, the secrecy is still the same, however the privacy is not. You are reading. But I don't know you. Not all of you. I'm not even sure how many of you are reading. I like that you are, there's that exhibitionist streak in me again, I also like that some of you are strangers. It's a peep show of sorts, then. Where I reveal, bit by bit, a little piece of me, a fluttering eyelash of confession. Strip tease.
I am - and this is important - not a performer. This is me. These are things that happened to me and my feelings about them. It's not entirely a honest activity though. I do use the medium selectively, there's a lot that I don't write about and there is a certain style in which I convey the information, pseudonyms, focusing in on particular details rather than others. My sequins and feathers. You'll have to excuse them. I'm not going to write everything about everything.
All in all, though, this is how it is. From behind my eyes at any rate, I can't comment on how anyone else feels beyond reporting what they said or did at the time. But that's the important point, it's a real experience - so if it has any value, beyond being of use to me (and certain kind people tell me that it does and it has been helpful and interesting to them also) then I need to cover the rough with the smooth. The things that are exciting and enjoyable with the things that are not.
Consider it by way of a disclaimer.
5 weeks ago