Read all about it

The online diary of an ethical pervert.

Tuesday, 5 May 2009

Tell me all about it

One of the potential drawbacks for those who chose to play with me is post-coital (post-play?) requests for feedback. Some people take to it better than others, depending on how used they are to responding to "how was it for you?" with more than a grunt or a giggle. Knight of Wands and I had a very interesting conversation recently, propped up on pillows, about what he got out of domination, which made a nice contrast to what I get out of submission, within the same context.

He mentioned that a large part of the attraction and excitement was about knowing that the other person was enjoying what you were doing, and also the ability to deliver powerful sensation - he spoke about pain as being "more intense" than pleasure, and the joy at watching someone writhe and squeal at the pain, whilst enjoying it at the same time. Obviously, being a masochist, I like pain and like exploring pain, but there is an awkwardness, a conflict with it, because pain is difficult to withstand. It is a powerful sensation, psychologically and physically. Mentally, it sets off warning signals through the nerves to the brain, that damage is being done, harm inflicted, but those are as exciting as they are frightening. The body comes to life, buzzing and crackling with the feeling of something strong, to be withstood but also to be enjoyed. The warmth and build of clamped fingers pressing hard into flesh, not letting go.

Another large part is about permission to touch, about being allowed to place hands, further to that about someone wanting you to do so. It moved from being about giving pleasure (or pain as pleasure) and more about touching for the sake of touching, to be able reach out and grab as an exercise in power, because he could. It's a silent series of ongoing consent. Each time he reaches for me, there is an unvoiced "yes". For my part, I enjoy lying still and letting go, having my body manipulated (soft strokes to rough touches) to the beat of someone else's desire. Clothed or naked, restrained or ostensibly free, there is a pleasurable thrill in being gripped and pulled here and there. I relax into it, rather than tense up, like a cat held by the scruff of its neck. I want to be touched: I want to be touched however they want to touch me, a channel of desire.

The third angle was obedience. I've mentioned that one of my worries about topping is that at some point someone is going to turn around and say "no" but for him that wasn't a concern, he felt secure in me, trusting enough that I would remain still, ready and waiting for him. My angle on this links very solidly with the two previous points - connection to the other person's pleasure and openness to touch. Submission is submission to someone, about responding to what they want, what they need, and revelling in being that perfect thing for them to enjoy. I want to do it, and that means obedience, it means the thrill of waiting for them to reach out and take what they want, the calm inherent in following commands and the satisfaction in being good, in being told that you are good.

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