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The online diary of an ethical pervert.

Monday, 11 May 2009

Tender moments

A minor detour from practical and theoretical debunking and debriefing and into the world of sexual health. Keeping an eye on my body and its rhythms is something that I've long been accustomed to. I'm very thankful that, from as soon as I was able to understand, my mother (who was a biologist) sat me down with a series of diagrams and explained female anatomy, the menstrual cycle, sex and pregnancy. Of course, nothing like sex as a pleasurable or recreational activity was discussed, probably because at the time I was about seven, but at no point was I ever under any illusions about storks visiting with "happy bundles of joy" nor about periods being a strange punishment from God. I think that overall this event has helped me be matter-of-fact about my body and also less than squeamish about anything to do with sex.

I'm fairly certain that my mother did not mean for those early lessons to be of value in my dealings with BDSM, but it has. Part of being safe, sane and consensual means knowing what the risks are with activities as well as the rewards, and being able to understand what is happening in different contexts can even make a play session more rewarding. I'm fascinated by female sexuality (especially given the relative paucity of studies and the huge amount of mystique and lies surrounding it), and make a lot of effort to understand my own physicality, making sure that I am very aware of my body's physical processes. I ask myself "how does it feel" a lot, and recently, the answer has not been very reassuring.

For the past week or so I have been suffering from (mostly) unexplained sore and dryness around my labia and cunt. The sensation has ranged from a low level awareness through to being downright uncomfortable. I have an inkling that it could either be as a result of some play last weekend, although it wasn't especially heavy. Anyhow, I've got a doctor's appointment booked and I'll see what happens. This isn't the first time I've suffered as a result of my proclivities, although unlike cuts and bruises it lacks a definite cause, which is worrying me.

What has been interesting is that my sexual desire has not decreased, and masturbation eases the symptoms, so I have been self-medicating. Over the weekend I saw The Photographer for the first time in two weeks, so that meant for some fairly frequent use and the feelings when we had sex were very different. For a start, I was nowhere near as wet as I usually am and secondly there was some resistance, my flesh felt tense, and when he entered me it hurt, like raw scraped skin. But I didn't want him to stop and as he fucked me, the pain eased (probably because I started to lubricate more) although it was still present. It's also fair to say that the fact he hurt me turned me on, that he was getting pleasure regardless of whether I was enjoying myself made me feel as if I was serving him all the more.

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