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The online diary of an ethical pervert.

Thursday, 30 April 2009

Bottoming from the Top?

As mentioned previously, one of my ongoing experiments is to move from the safe, secure world of submission and into the more precarious waters of domination. My reason for doing is fairly straightforward - I have fantasies of domination, I've enjoyed the forays I've had thus far and I have a partner who is a switch and more than happy to provide me with a supportive environment to explore a different kind of give-and-take.

I've been working through what I've liked and what I haven't about my experiences of topping. First, is my hesitance to use the word "domme" with respect to myself. Some of this is that I don't feel as if I deserve the word, not yet, I don't feel entirely comfortable with delivering pain, giving commands and there's a general uneasiness about it, every now and then. As if I'm not solid enough in my persona, I get a lot of hesitation, a lot of "what do I do next?"
Physically, I'm reasonably confident - I know the kit, I know what it feels like can tie someone up, mummify them, gag them. Essentially I'm worried about what happens if the other person says "no" or resists. Additionally, I'm not precisely certain that the type and style of activity I've been doing thus far is exactly right for me.

I feel a little as if, in my interactions with The Photographer, I've been bottoming from the top. Our play has focused on me delivering sensations which I know he really enjoys, and he has been a passive, purring receiver. This isn't to say I haven't had fun, but the central point has been his experience and his pleasure. I'd like to try something different, and to generate the style of play that panders to me.

When I'm topping, I want to feel desired, magnificent, powerful, to have someone desperate to please me, touch me and to actively want to satisfy me. Being wanted is a powerful drive for me when I'm submitting, and the same seems to be true of topping. Perhaps the two sides are not so divergent after all - for both I want to be the centre of attention, to be stimulated and to be "perfect". But there are, of course, differences. I want to be in control, to orchestrate and to manage someone else, to have their desire contingent on my wishes: chastity play, pet play, objectification humiliation and service are all things which appeal to me.

There's a lot more I want to learn, particularly with regards to male anatomy and impact play, which I haven't done a lot of. One of the things I'm looking for is a handy mentor who would be willing to spend the odd afternoon helping me inflict terrible, wonderful things on The Photographer. Things are often more fun with friends, after all.

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