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The online diary of an ethical pervert.

Friday, 17 October 2008

Self control

Part of the attraction in submission is being told what to do, to be managed and manipulated without needing to decide for oneself. This can be very comforting: it removes those traces of anxiety regarding 'correct' behaviour or just simply takes away the social nervousness of knowing what to do in a specific situation. Whether it is simply verbal commands or being so wrapped up in bondage that almost any action is impossible without outside assistance, there is a bypassing of will. My own self-authoring is circumvented and my tale is written by someone else, the pen is removed from my hand, I become a part of a story that I am not telling and I can relax into the words and the actions safe in the knowledge that my role is secure. I am doing exactly what I should be doing: I am doing what I am told.

There is, of course, a flip side to this. Blindfolded: I don't know what is going to happen to me and panic might set in, under strict D/s instruction there may come a point where I just can't do what is required of me and I'll feel stupid or a failure. Whilst being under another's control divides me from decision making, it doesn't release me from responsibility. I still have to do certain things.

Orgasm is one of the areas that I feel least in control of, most of the time. It's also something I feel like I have to do, a correct response, a physical "thank you" to what is being done to me. I've always been interested in orgasm control and denial but I'm still at the stages where only specific situations and actions will lead me to climax so oftentimes any orgasm at all is a minor miracle. I have never orgasmed through penetration alone, for example. Certain things help - bondage, being talked to, positions on my front. When I don't orgasm, I feel like I've not performed in the correct way, and, of course, worrying about it never helps. Recently I've been experimenting with different positions and attempting, in some way, to broaden my repertoire as it were, refraining from tried and trusted methods for example. A little bit of self control. All the better to give it up.

1 comment:

Louie Monkey-Pest said...

BINGO! That hits the nail on the head!