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The online diary of an ethical pervert.

Thursday, 30 October 2008


I haven't really been seeing anyone even semi-seriously except for The Photographer, partly because, well, I'm very fond of him, but also because I haven't had an awful lot of spare time and when I do have some free, he's top of my list. The more we do together, the better it gets, and the more close I feel to him. However, that doesn't mean that I don't want to see other people, it has just made me a little bit more picky, which again, is probably a good thing. When I first returned to BDSM after my "vanilla period" as it could be called, there was an enthusiasm to go everywhere at once and I was probably just fortunate in finding Ethical Hedonist and fortunate too in how much I enjoyed his time and company as well as playing with him.

A friend of mine (only slightly tongue in cheek) referred to it as my "selection box" of men, and yes, despite the odd foray into girls, most recently courtesy of Kiss Curls, I appear to still mostly be a man's woman. I am, of course, open to offers. A selection box? Perhaps, certainly I do look for a unique side to potential partners, but then that might be because I look for smart, interesting folk in general who are all likely to have their own specific flavour, as it were.

I feel ready to start a new stage of exploration then, where I'm actively looking to try specific things with specific people. There is no end point to these experiments because that implies there's a goal or a finish line, I don't think it's quite that clear cut. There is a school of thought that we as a society, specifically western society, is becoming tired of commodity and looking more for an "experience". We want something to sense, feel and remember, rather than use, throw away and forget about. Although there is an argument that experiences can themselves become commodities, experiences have a transient nature and generate close connection between participants, particularly in a BDSM context, which runs counter to the uniformity of commodities. Commodities are always the same, by their very nature they are standardised items. A scene shared between two (or more) people can never be re-experienced except in memory, and even then bits will be missing, others added.

An experience also has that crucial feature that the Marxist commodity lacks: connection to the moment and mode of production - indeed, it is a product of the people, the place, the actions, and therefore links all of these together in a special way. It cannot be re-made or re-produced anymore than water can run uphill so it is irreplaceable. A moment in time. I suppose that is to me the part that especially attracts me to BDSM, the ability to conjure and to participate in these sudden acts of violent tenderness, tender violence. A break from the usual. An experience.

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