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The online diary of an ethical pervert.

Tuesday, 28 October 2008

In conversation with

Three brief snippets of dialogue have put me in a slightly contemplative mood, which has turned out to be overall positive, but the way they came about was interestingly staggered and set the tone for my current state.

"I don't mind that you borrow my toys, it's just that it reminds me that I'm not in a relationship at the moment"

This to The Photographer from his LT partner, which caused me to squirm with social and also emotional embarrassment at first, until assured (at length) that all was well. As mentioned previously, the more time I spend around the pair of them the more normal the relationship becomes, but sometimes I feel a bit awkward. Feeling being the key word here. Initially I was a little upset, or perhaps bothered is a better word - after all, I don't want any of my behaviour to have a negative impact on anyone. However, just as it wasn't me that did the borrowing, neither is it me that is responsible for her feelings - I'm not to "blame", I'm not an interloper or an interesting extra fling for the moment. We later sat around with tea and chatted a bit more about life, the universe and so on, which made me realise that the insecurities I have are not unique to me, and therefore not a result of being new to poly (and by inference inexperienced and wrong, which was my worry). They are the feelings that everyone gets, regardless of how long or how stable or how well connected they are in their relationship.

"So when do we get to see this nice young man?"
"Erm, you don't"
"Oh. Right"

Discussions with my mother regarding my private life never seem to include the word 'private'. Or 'my'. I would say that I'm not hiding my proclivities from my parents, except it would be an obvious lie. Of course I'm hiding it from them. But that has the knock-on effect of having to hide other things to, lest a spiral of questions takes me down a path I'm not prepared to tread. My folks are not especially conservative, and they are very loving and supportive. They are traditional, I suppose would be the best way of putting it and certain things are expected to come up in my future: marriage, babies, family life. None of these are on the cards from where I'm standing, and I'm not prepared to outright lie to them and declare spinsterhood so conversation avoidance is currently my only option, sadly. I'd like them to know, but more than that I'd like them to be comfortable and happy with the life I'm living. And those two are currently mutually exclusive.

"I guess I want something that's just mine"
"I understand...I just worry that the other someone will mess up you and me"

A slightly edited down version of a conversation I had with The Photographer, which led to us concretising our relationship in such a way that the pair of us both feel much better and more positive. Not that there was any particular difficulty that I'd noticed, although I do think that my acknowledgement of the lack I feel in not having something or someone 'for myself' (putting whatever drives that aside for later analysis) was if not news to him, certainly more obvious for being clearly stated.

We are in a D/s relationship which is open and poly - primarily he is my Dom, although we also occasionally switch. He has a significant other, and at some point I might also have one. We will have play partners, together or separately. We are in it for the long term. We are friends. We care about and look after each other. We are emotionally as well as physically involved.

If that sounds a little cold and clinical, it doesn't to me, sitting here, after much thought, with this little road map for the future, put aside for handy reference. And smiling.

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