Living and learning

This morning Captain and I decided to more or less go our separate(ish) ways. I'm upset, naturally, not only as I'll really miss the sex but because I like him. And this, combined with related compatibility issues, is the reason for not carrying on. A friend of mine put it rather neatly when she said it was better to jump off a boat whilst you are still able to swim back to shore. I'm not as near to the coast as I'd like to have been but I'll be home and dry within a couple of weeks: some tears and sighing, a resignation to short-term ongoing and unresolvable sexual frustration - being with someone else right now would not be fair to them - a few good nights' sleep and decent morning masturbation plus hefty workouts at the gym and I anticipate being better, if not precisely content with the situation.

Over the past couple of weeks I've been off my game and really feeling it. I've found it harder to get into things and have not really enjoying my kinks to the full, certainly needing a longer warm up than usual. I've been sulky and discomfited, feeling out of place or in the way or generally not quite right. I've been distracted, basically, by a worm in my BDSM apple. As usual, it's an issue of clarity and compatibility. I've got a very keen sense for when things are right and I'm fussy so rarely settle for good enough or kind of ok. I've been treading water with Captain: not getting enough of what I want and therefore finding it difficult to give enough of what I should. So dissatisfied on both sides: with my own submisssion and what I've gotten out of it. I've hoped that time might have eased these difficulties but it wasn't a bedding-in issue, rather something more basic: we weren't doing the same things at the same time. Or rather, the way that he was playing was sometimes different to how I was playing. When we both hit the same note, we were awesome and I do not regret a minute spent in his company, he does what he does extremely well, but it's just not right for me.

The two most obvious disparities were between my greater desire for very regular penetrative sex (what Mrs Magpie helpfully terms "skin sex" to differentiate from rubber-clad play) and my need for an ongoing D/s context that extended outside of the bedroom. This was pretty distinct from his desire to not have anything approaching a relationship at all but instead have lots of cool, kinky partners to do BDSM with on a catch-as-catch can basis.

Fundamentally, the set-ups that Captain and I want are very different, neither are "right" or "wrong" beyond the fact that they are what we individually want and therefore right for us. Carrying on would have resulted in frustration for both of us as well as probable upset. So we talked, well, mostly I talked but that will come as no surprise to anyone used to my level of analysis. Talking to him about what I perceived as the distinctions helped me clarify what I want from partners in the wake of The Photographer.

So, these are my "new and improved" rules for future BDSM lovers:

• We don't need to be in love to have great sex but I do need to feel cared for especially if you are going to do horrible things to me and my feelings of self-worth. You need to say that you care because I am not psychic.
  
• I need kisses and hand holding and a little romance. Show me you want me and not just me-in-latex. You don't have to parachute into my house clutching a box of Milk Tray (the lady prefers Hotel Chocolat at any rate) but a bit of grinning, flirting and touching under the table goes a long way.
• There will be kinky sex. This will involve kink and sex. I need both.
  
• How we do our kink must match. It's not enough to have a shared enjoyment of CP, we've got to both want to do it in the same fashion - whether it's a punishment/consolation scenario or a piece of foreplay, the act must mean the same thing to us both.
  
• I need to feel special and unique. I'm a queen bee, we don't share well and I do get jealous the more into you I am. I don't need to be anyone's sole partner, but I do need to be their only partner for doing X or Y. On some level, I must be the one and only or at least first and foremost.
• Whatever we do, it must be clearly defined, once we've made the decision we want to do something together we must both be able to say what that something is and invest a little pride, value and meaning in it. Even as simple as "the girl I fuck on Tuesday" if said with a wide enough grin and eager enough eyes.

I'm sure that these rules will change if and when I get seriously emotionally involved, or even, perhaps, fall in love again, but for now they are a good framework to go forward. After I've spent a few days licking my wounds. It's mostly pride that's hurt - given that no-one likes to put themselves on the line and be turned down, but I've got a few emotional bumps and bruises too.

They'll heal. Things do. And we move on. I'm looking forward to finding out where I'm going next.