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The online diary of an ethical pervert.

Thursday, 17 June 2010

A matter of bodies

"So, what do you like about women's bodies?"

I pause for longer than is probably acceptable in polite society, she laughs. One of those full throated, hearty rich laughs I have come to love, that come straight from somewhere real, the kind of laugh that makes you sit up and take notice and hope you can make it happen again.

"What on earth are you doing with me?" She laughs again at the strange look on my face, half aghast at any offence I might have caused, half confused.

"I think you're hot. And beautiful. I don't think it's because you are a woman."

I might have put my foot in it again, that's a common theme for whenever I open my mouth. We talk some more, I try and explain. I think she still thinks me strange and perhaps I am, but I don't mind. I've been trying to think of a decent answer. Majeste shook her head between laughing and said it was because I was straight, but I do want her and she's nothing if not womanly. Very womanly. So what is going on here?

There's something to do with shape, I know that. I like that she is bigger and stronger than me.
I love it when she hugs me, I feel wrapped up and enveloped in her warmth.With all of my partners I have been drawn to the way they made me feel both vulnerable and protected. Knowing they could pick me up to hurt me or to shield me from something. There's a lure of strength, for both dominant and submissive partners - I like submissives who are stronger than me also, because they can protect me (again) and because the submission is somehow more powerful when they are giving up all of their force and allowing someone physically weaker to hurt them.

I think it would be difficult to avoid talking about pure body-chemistry when discussing gender and desire. That bog-standard Darwinistic desire to breed. Are my ovaries merely crying out in the darkness for a decent chromosome match? Obviously there's no such response here, but there is a sexual desire, so the two are clearly not always the same thing. It's hard to tell what proportion of my attraction to previous partners has been based on hormones - there have been many, many studies in the area and it's frankly a minefield of social prejudices - especially given that I'm not actually that interested in having children.

Finally, I have to acknowledge that I do find women's bodies curious and strange, despite, or perhaps because, I have one of my own and I know how odd my own sexual reactions can be. I expect them to be as odd as I am.
Certainly the majority of my lovers have been male, so I have a feel for the male body, what it likes, how it smells when aroused, how it feels. I associate it more naturally with sex. I'm habituated to it. It's worth stating for the record that, in general, I don't feel especially sexually attracted to women's bodies. I am more likely to have my head turned by a man, if I am likely to have my head turned at all. I generally don't feel sexually attracted to a lot of people, I have refined taste (or, more likely, I'm fussy).

Really, there are thousands of little, tiny things that draw me to someone. I can see that someone is or isn't attractive, and that's usually aesthetic. I can see whether they look good, strong or healthy and that's a biological judgement call.
Lots of things catch my eye, the sound of a voice, smell, the way they hold their hands just so. Clothing is a big part - buckles, heavy jewellery, tattoos even, little signs that they might be kinky. Which is when it really hits. When they ping onto my radar. Knowing that I could want to hurt them or for them to hurt me; to be under my control or to cede control to them. That's the sexual drive but it's not because they are women or because they are men - it's because I'm kinky and there's something in them that calls out to that kinkiness.

That's what shines through here I think. Her body is part of her kinkiness, just like the bodies of my other lovers have been a part of their sexuality, the instrument on which it was played.

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