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The online diary of an ethical pervert.

Sunday, 13 June 2010

Living and learning

This morning Captain and I decided to more or less go our separate(ish) ways. I'm upset, naturally, not only as I'll really miss the sex but because I like him. And this, combined with related compatibility issues, is the reason for not carrying on. A friend of mine put it rather neatly when she said it was better to jump off a boat whilst you are still able to swim back to shore. I'm not as near to the coast as I'd like to have been but I'll be home and dry within a couple of weeks: some tears and sighing, a resignation to short-term ongoing and unresolvable sexual frustration - being with someone else right now would not be fair to them - a few good nights' sleep and decent morning masturbation plus hefty workouts at the gym and I anticipate being better, if not precisely content with the situation.

Over the past couple of weeks I've been off my game and really feeling it. I've found it harder to get into things and have not really enjoying my kinks to the full, certainly needing a longer warm up than usual. I've been sulky and discomfited, feeling out of place or in the way or generally not quite right. I've been distracted, basically, by a worm in my BDSM apple. As usual, it's an issue of clarity and compatibility. I've got a very keen sense for when things are right and I'm fussy so rarely settle for good enough or kind of ok. I've been treading water with Captain: not getting enough of what I want and therefore finding it difficult to give enough of what I should. So dissatisfied on both sides: with my own submisssion and what I've gotten out of it. I've hoped that time might have eased these difficulties but it wasn't a bedding-in issue, rather something more basic: we weren't doing the same things at the same time. Or rather, the way that he was playing was sometimes different to how I was playing. When we both hit the same note, we were awesome and I do not regret a minute spent in his company, he does what he does extremely well, but it's just not right for me.

The two most obvious disparities were between my greater desire for very regular penetrative sex (what Mrs Magpie helpfully terms "skin sex" to differentiate from rubber-clad play) and my need for an ongoing D/s context that extended outside of the bedroom. This was pretty distinct from his desire to not have anything approaching a relationship at all but instead have lots of cool, kinky partners to do BDSM with on a catch-as-catch can basis.

Fundamentally, the set-ups that Captain and I want are very different, neither are "right" or "wrong" beyond the fact that they are what we individually want and therefore right for us. Carrying on would have resulted in frustration for both of us as well as probable upset. So we talked, well, mostly I talked but that will come as no surprise to anyone used to my level of analysis. Talking to him about what I perceived as the distinctions helped me clarify what I want from partners in the wake of The Photographer.

So, these are my "new and improved" rules for future BDSM lovers:
  • We don't need to be in love to have great sex but I do need to feel cared for especially if you are going to do horrible things to me and my feelings of self-worth. You need to say that you care because I am not psychic.
  • I need kisses and hand holding and a little romance. Show me you want me and not just me-in-latex. You don't have to parachute into my house clutching a box of Milk Tray (the lady prefers Hotel Chocolat at any rate) but a bit of grinning, flirting and touching under the table goes a long way.
  • There will be kinky sex. This will involve kink and sex. I need both.
  • How we do our kink must match. It's not enough to have a shared enjoyment of CP, we've got to both want to do it in the same fashion - whether it's a punishment/consolation scenario or a piece of foreplay, the act must mean the same thing to us both.
  • I need to feel special and unique. I'm a queen bee, we don't share well and I do get jealous the more into you I am. I don't need to be anyone's sole partner, but I do need to be their only partner for doing X or Y. On some level, I must be the one and only or at least first and foremost.
  • Whatever we do, it must be clearly defined, once we've made the decision we want to do something together we must both be able to say what that something is and invest a little pride, value and meaning in it. Even as simple as "the girl I fuck on Tuesday" if said with a wide enough grin and eager enough eyes.
I'm sure that these rules will change if and when I get seriously emotionally involved, or even, perhaps, fall in love again, but for now they are a good framework to go forward. After I've spent a few days licking my wounds. It's mostly pride that's hurt - given that no-one likes to put themselves on the line and be turned down, but I've got a few emotional bumps and bruises too.

They'll heal. Things do. And we move on. I'm looking forward to finding out where I'm going next.


M said...

I like the ship analogy. Because its right. Some relationships were just not meant to be. It's really bad when it goes on for a long time and then you realise that. I guess that's a lesson I'm trying to learn for myself.

There's no denying that things can be difficult after a lot of intimacy (and regular sexual activity) with a person ends; but you seem to be a survivor and this is but one of life's other challenges.

I like to consider these kinds of life challenges in terms of analogies. When I face anger or anxiety in real life issues like deadlines or queuing or just general life not going my way; I think about things that I know, and that I'm good at; and try to bring the two worlds together.

Sometimes that involves going into a happy places as I'm doing weight training; emotionally going inside myself as all the pain surrounds me, and it can be quite comforting.

Sometimes I envisage the times I am reading very difficult philosophy (which I in turn analogise as some an act of physical bravery) to the challenge of real life trivialities and I find myself empowered.

Sometimes none of the above applies, your past experiences nor those of helpful friends seem relevant, and its just a matter of brute survival and getting on when your thoughts and feelings want to betray your progress.

I like that you set up desiderata for future partners. I suppose in a way it sets up no pretenses or deceptions about what you want, and experience dictates well of what you want by what hasn't worked.

I hope you feel better soon; and get to shore. :)

electronic doll said...


Yes, it's a good analogy and it does work. I think I'm more unhappy at still not finding the right ship than about this particular incident, although this one was regrettable as I didn't think what I was looking for this time around was particularly complicated, but it does just show that our needs are simple to ourselves, and harder for others to understand.

But we do, indeed, live and learn. I like lists, I make a lot of them and sometimes they even work out.

I'm a bit down at the moment and working through it, but I know now from experience that I do get through things like this and that there is (probably) something better on the other side.

brother_f said...

I've been reading your blog with fascination for the past couple of days, you've given me a real insight into the mind of a sub, for which I'll be forever grateful.

Genuinely sorry to hear about you and captain, but I suppose there is no point in treading water is there?


electronic doll said...


Thanks for that. Although I'm afraid that the only submisssive mindset I can give you any insight into is my own, and that switches depending on the person and type of activity.

I've lost track of the number of times I've been called a "bad" or "not a proper" submissive for doing X or Y...

I might not be the ideal poster girl for submission.

That said, I do think a lot about my submission (and forays into topping and dominance) and I've gotten a number of people commenting on how they can often operate in similar ways, and it's nice to get some feedback on how it might be useful to others in the scene.

AnonymousWhore said...

I always enjoy reading your blogs. You often put into words feelings that I too experience in the D/s dynamic from the subs perspective.I feel for you, and I hope you find what you seek.

There is no right or wrong way, just your own path.

Chin up. *Hugs*



Anonymous said...

I found your blog a few weeks ago and have enjoyed it.

I can relate exactly to what you desire and what you are going through with regards to the Captain. After two agonizing months of feeling unsettled, things not being quite right (but the playtime sex was good), I had to end my D/s for all of the exact reasons that you stated. My Dom looked at our D/s the way your Captain did. This despite my dom verbally stating we wanted the same things and then our contract memorializing those needs and play parameters.

I loved your ship analogy as it was perfect. I got out before I couldn't swim back to shore. Although after surrendering myself so completely--mind and body--as I had never done in life, it was still pretty difficult to come back from it all.

Sometimes I still wonder how we both could have said the same things, written down the same things, discussed our needs and still come up with different versions of expectations. I guess it's a Mars vs. Venus thing: We speak the same language but those words have different meanings... or something. *shrugs shoulders*

Be well,