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The online diary of an ethical pervert.

Wednesday, 16 December 2009

Conversation points

Dinner and ice-cream date with Offensive Charmer last night which inspired a number of thoughts, some of which are still brewing. We talked about everything, as usual. All things kinky, at any rate. Politics and religion were far from the dinner table because it was already full of sex. We discussed the difference between the London and New York scene, he bursting my bubble on any big apple fantasies by stating that London has far more clubs, munches and general open-mindedness about the whole thing. We talked over BDSM mythologies - those fantasies we used to hold, and in some cases still do, about what is and isn't possible in the cold, hard world of actual people. We talked about our recent, "failed" relationship and it was interesting to do so in a more clinically-brained what have you learnt? scenario. Food for thought. I'm just beginning to be able to think about my relationship with The Photographer in anything approaching a calm, neutral manner, so attempting this was very interesting. I know that I can't be in a relationship where I am treated as anything less than the "main partner", I'm doubtful that any form of polyamory would ever really work for me, though I can imagine a scenario in which I was monogamous but open to the odd play partner here and there.

I'm still thinking about it, but it was interesting how many things instantly came to mind. I know that I find a D/s relationship more exciting than a vanilla one, certainly a sex-life that is BDSM-focused is now a must. I know I want a relationship in which there is that sort of connection in tandem with an emotional attachment. I'm not sure I could have a "purely" D/s relationship or master/slave relationship for any length of time without wanting to develop it into something broader. I enjoyed the casual-but-omnipresent style that our relationship evolved into, one in which I was always his, and we both knew that, but in which the D/s was always there, but not always externalised or demonstrated - I never wore a collar, for example. In some ways, I might have liked more protocol than we had, some formalisation, certainly there was repeated talk of an agreed symbol of our partnership - tattoos and piercings for example, but they never materialised and that's just as well given what happened. Perhaps quite telling in the way that they were discussed many times but never truly offered. Finally, I know I want something that lasts, that gives me security and love for the rest of my life. I also know that I'm not ready to begin looking for anything like that at the moment. But that I am more than happy to wait.

Offensive Charmer always brings out the pocket socio-psychologist in me and we ended up revisiting the lists of what we wanted, prompting me to revisit the original list of Things I Want To Do, constructed at some point many, many months ago and updated still a while ago. Interestingly, most of the original wants have been checked off. So perhaps there is time to construct a new one?

I'm not sure what it is about him that make me review in this fashion, perhaps it's his own yen for order. We also talked briefly about "us", in the sense of whether we could possibly be compatible. I suspect that he is more inclined towards micro-management and that his patrician style will not necessarily fit with mine, he has suggested that I visit New York so he can test the hypothesis by fucking me. I rarely find fault with this kind of directness, there's a lot to be said for coming straight to the point. Whether we can actually get the time to do this is another matter.

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