"Do you have any thoughts, fantasties?"
The obvious answer is, yes. Lots. I immediately get very excited, then almost as immediately become completely stuck. I have the opposite of writer's block. Writer's overload. It's not as if Captain is limited by kit, for example, or by will-to-power. Consequently, I want to do everything. Twice. Especially the things that scare me, or things I've never done before, or never even heard of. This particularly holds true with pain, which is a personal fascination of mine. It scares me, for a start. Not just because it hurts, but because the fear of being hurt is such a strong survival instinct and going through that barrier is extremely powerful. It's also a complicated psychological sensation: I know I've rarely had the same mental or physical response twice; that I've loved and hated it in equal measure (sometimes at the same time) so giving any sort of straight answer is nigh on impossible.
So that's the descriptive difficulty. There's another issue at play, which is about D/s power dynamics and how they operate in the negotiation phase, which I guess is where we are at, early days and all that. Open ended questions like that, without context leave my submissive brain feeling confused. The usual response would be "whatever you want" but that sounds as if I'm turning the question round and refusing an answer. It's not quite like that - I don't know what he wants so I can't offer that up which leaves me feeling stalled. Because of the way I like to submit, I want to feel as if someone else is in control, but I know a remit is required, at least in the beginning. I'm not embarrassed to ask for what I want and am aware that mind-reading is not yet common currency. So I find myself giving a list of red/amber/green activities, which are in themselves a little tricky because they are naturally based on things I've done before, with other people in other circumstances so I'm never precisely sure if it will apply in the future.
Clearly there is a lot more exploring to be done. Excellent.
Abandoned to his fate in inescapable rope
3 months ago