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The online diary of an ethical pervert.

Tuesday, 7 July 2009

How to play

I met up with a friend for coffee yesterday to discuss doing some photos to kick-off the much neglected doll project. We came up with a few ideas, including some geisha shots as well as general kinky chat. The conversation veered around to the poker party over the weekend, as she also knew Milady. We were talking about games and styles of playing, coming to a distinction between "kink" and "D/s" as useful descriptors for two different methods of handling play.

For the purposes of this conversation kink covers general physical practices - spanking, bondage, sens dep etc. D/s takes this a bit further, it implies that these activities are done within a power-exchange context, in which the participants have roles to play, ways of behaving towards each other that provide a framework to the kink. I enjoy straight-up kinky activities, but think that adding the D/s can make it that much richer, giving psychological and erotic elements to what is being done. Blindfold me and I'll start to anticipate something, my skin will feel a little more sensitive, I might start curling and uncurling my fingers, my cunt might get wetter, my breathing a little shallower. Button pushing for the body. Grab me by the hair, force a blindfold onto me and demand I keep quiet or I'll get a beating and you'll get a much faster and more intense response. Button pushing for the brain.

Expectation management is key, as is having partners who understand the needs of one another. For the D/s relationship to work there has to be some form of social contract which not only discusses that which is to be taken and that which is to be given up, but how it is going to be done. The second point is stylistic and therefore harder to come to terms with. For example, agreeing to be beaten with a cane is a fairly clear decision, variations on speed, stroke and intensity can be sorted with reasonable ease. Style is personal, and it's not so easy to change, unlike for example, hitting someone with a paddle rather than a crop to fit in with their preference. If you don't enjoy a certain style of behaving then it's much harder (and sometimes impossible) to adapt to play with someone who does, at best you might feel uncomfortable or bored. It's about match-making in one sense, pairing people up so that they each get what they want.

Submission is not altruism or complete selflessness. There can certainly be aspects of that and I've occasionally played with it as an idea, but it needs context and management, rules of engagement. There is always give and take, on both sides. Just because the dominant is enjoying themselves, doesn't mean that the submissive is completely fulfilled, they might be happy that the dominant is happy, but the ideal situation is one in which both parties are getting exactly what they want. And giving it.

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