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I spent an evening last weekend topping The Photographer: it was in the morning, I was horny and it seemed the most convenient way to get my kicks. Whilst I consider myself mostly submissive, having to wait on someone else's libido can sometimes be a bit problematic, especially when being demanding could be considered as rude or bratty. I like to be a well behaved submissive. Topping removes this onus from me, and I get to do some taking. It's an urge that crops up once in a while, although it has been rearing its head more and more, which is interesting, and fortunately I have a willing volunteer for ongoing experiments.

Such as the weekend. I hit an interesting blocker whilst in the swing of things. I'd got him between my legs to lick my clit, then after a while decided to use his cock instead, as I moved him away I could feel him tense a little, so I asked him what he was thinking. He responded that he wanted to be punished for not making me come, and this threw me a little. First, because my natural instinct was one of control via withholding, so giving him something that he directly asked for seemed to jar with the space I was inhabiting. Second, I was quite relaxed after the oral attention and getting up to deliver a beating was quite low on my list of things to do. We discussed it afterwards, particularly as I know that pain isn't usually on his agenda, and he mentioned that it was a thing of the moment, and that it was about pain as cathartic punishment, something I can certainly understand.

I clearly find it difficult to inflict physical pain within a heavily sexual context. I'm generally fine at doing pain-play in and of itself, although I have a mental note to practice more with impact, especially with my under-used crop. The act of moving from fucking or similar to delivering pain seems to require two competing parts of my brain and the gear change is clunky, at best. I think another aspect was the difference between our two mindsets at the time, and how I didn't perceive what he was feeling because I still find it hard to read him as a submissive. This is not just about lack of practice, although that must play a part, but also because he is generally very passive - he won't make a move unless instructed to do so, is very quiet, and apart from the obvious desire, the subtleties are lost. Additionally, I am not a mind reader. From my point of view, I made the decision to move him as I wanted to do something else, from his, he felt that he had been unable to deliver.

I'll be very interested to see how this type of play progresses, there's certainly a lot more things I want to try, both in terms of finding my own topping persona, and physical acts I want to explore in more depth - he's been asked to find a strap-on that I can use on him.