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The online diary of an ethical pervert.

Wednesday, 25 February 2009

Thin skinned

I've been thinking a little about how the things I enjoy in BDSM fit in with my personality. As my relationships develop, I've noticed the odd clash here and there, but more often I've found a real release, a depth and intensity of pleasure and pure joy that comes from something feeling extremely right. When I sit down and try and untangle why it feels so good, I come up with a few conundrums. Obviously, there is the this-hurts-but-feels-fantastic endorphin rush of pain/impact play, but the interesting parts come when I try and reason out what is going on in my head, rather than on my skin.

I sometimes wonder if my submission is more of a deliberate rebellion against those parts of me I don't like or am afraid of, rather than only an extension of my desire. Put it another way, I identify as a submissive, rather than a bottom because I like the powerplay, the D/s and the emotional and psychological dynamics as well as being tied up and hit with sticks. Which in and of itself is a release - I know that I desire pain play more when I'm upset or tense, not only does it help beat the blues (literally) it also re-affirms the connection between myself and my partner, and later there are marks to show that connection. Red lines and bruises that demonstrate pain withstood, both emotional and physical. Being hurt makes me feel strong.

Here's a good example. I can sometimes get a little anxious. I especially get nervous about negative feedback, about senses of not being good enough and generally can over-react to criticism. I worry about failure. Being submissive allows me to explore these anxieties whilst at the same time being protected from them. As an owned slave, I belong to The Photographer, he protects and looks after me and keeps me safe. This keeps these worries at bay and when we play I am able to escape from these pressures. He reassures me, even when I do something wrong, and the release (and relief) is very powerful. I would never suggest that BDSM is a form of or substitute for therapy, but I don't have "problems" so much as I have a personality - like everyone else I have buttons to be pushed, areas that I find harder to deal with, and therefore areas that are more sensitive, more responsive. Erogenous zones for the mind.

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