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The online diary of an ethical pervert.

Wednesday, 4 February 2009


As much as I hate to admit it (and I do hate admitting it) I am not perfect. This winds me up in and of itself, having always been one of those annoying swotty high achievers at school, and priding myself on being able to do anything well if I set my mind to it. It is especially bothersome in a BDSM context. Sexual anxiety for submissives is performance anxiety - the need to do well, to be wanted, to be appreciated for being pleasing, satisfying and enjoyable. So finding out that something is below par is upsetting not just on a personal pride level, but it frustrates my own desire to submit, to serve.

I'm lying next to The Photographer, I'm clicking my jaw back into place after injuring myself slightly in some over-enthusiastic cock worship, having my arms and legs tied together made me slightly unbalanced. I'm feeling a bit lost, I definitely failed to make an impact: I couldn't feel a lot of response in him whilst I was licking and sucking, and whilst he is generally quiet, this isn't the first time I've got the sense that he just isn't getting much out of it. We talk about it:

"I've had some very good blowjobs in the past..."
"But not from me?"

Right then. I'm not very good at giving head. So it would seem. I've never had any bad reports before now, although no-one has ever thrown a parade either: it's possible that previous (mostly vanilla) boyfriends have just been so delighted that a girl wanted to suck their cock that quality didn't enter into it. And of course, in past relationships technique was never quite so frankly discussed. I'm glad he was honest. I'm also gutted. After all, what is the point of a slave who can't give a decent blowjob, and what else am I bad at? He is supportive, and reassuring, as always, calming me down as I begin to get upset. Physical performance is important to me, the thought of perhaps being "bad in bed" is like being thought of as "stupid" or "unwanted". It's also concerning as I like giving head, It's a very subby sensation, and I like the taste and feel of him in my mouth.

It's a few days later and I've been mulling it over, worrying at it like a sore tooth. We've spoken a few times since and have devised a practical solution to what is, after all, a practical problem. I'm going to spend some quality time kneeling naked between his legs whilst he uses my mouth, guides me with his voice and hands to create whatever sensations he likes best. It's a win win situation.

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