BDSM in a poly context

Polyamory rubs up against BDSM, and not always in a good way. On the plus side, it enables my partners and I to explore different types of relationships; to enjoy a depth of feeling, both emotional and physical; to have a structured and well-nourished context for play with ongoing scenes. On the minus side, a lot of poly works by balancing the needs and demands of each person, treating your relationship with them as different, because everyone is different, but a universe to itself: the time I spend with one partner is time spent with just them, it is their time, our time.

Except it isn't. Not quite. Not a hundred percent. All poly relationships create knock-on effects: partner A can't see partner B if he's with partner C. BDSM relationships compound this, adding layers of complexity that also give excitement and sexual thrills but overthrow the idea that each individual relationship grouping can grow and develop into anything. It can't. At least, it can't for me. I am The Photographer's slave: this means I belong to him, and this makes me enormously happy and content, the protocol (only he gets to use my cunt, he has to agree to any other relationships or play that I might engage in) that we have developed supports the relationship, makes me feel more like his which makes me more happy and more content. I'm emphasising this because it's important to make clear that denial is a powerful source of stimulus and something I've agreed to, it's not a punishment.

This is fine for play, because limits on what I might do in a club or in a one-off meetings are part of setting the context for a scene, for what precisely I (and whoever I'm playing with) want to do. And I like that, because I like clarity, especially from those I don't know very well. Understanding which boundaries will and won't be explored allows me to enjoy what is being done all the more: I know that I will be pushed, but I also know that my hard limits will be respected. Part of my hard limits are those set by myself and The Photographer. However, relationships are different. By "relationship" I mean an ongoing partnership which has other, non-BDSM factors involved, it's not just a frequent-flier for play (lovely as that is), but something with the potential for a wider emotional and day-to-day context. So whilst restrictions might work well for me (being denied something you are never going to do or want to do is hardly denial) it places contraints on what my other partners might want to do which limits their remits as a Dom. Which also affects my ability to serve them as a sub. This is the situation I'm contemplating with regards to Knight of Wands.

I am never entirely his, I can't be. He discussed that whilst he is enjoying exploring the power of being able to do almost anything, there is always that aspect of almost that reminds him his control is not absolute, even within the confines of any given scene. At the moment, there are no immediate issues, mostly because Knight of Wands and I have only recently started to explore, although the bedrock is already resent because we were friends beforehand. There is already an existing relationship. We've talked about it, and given that this was always going to be the case with any other relationship I developed, it's not a case of him feeling cheated, but it is a limit on our exploration. On the other hand, one could view it as an excuse to dive into other waters not yet tested and tried, and that's what we are trying to do.

It is just not possible to please all the people all the time: you can't have your cake and eat it, however it must be possible to at least pick off the icing and nibble at that.