Zen and BDSM

A brief posting, due to my ongoing lack of regular Internet. I've recently got back on the horse that is Internet dating following a review of my sexual portfolio (something someone once kindly referred to as my "chocolate selection box of fucking" which creates all sorts of puns relating to fudge, nuts and walnut whips).

I'm currently running a series of D/s relationships in tandem, primarily with Mannequin and more recently with Mr Smith. I'm fond of both of them, but very aware of their needs outside what I can provide or what they want from me, which means I'm looking for other people. Specifically, for a suitable long term (probably male) partner. In the meantime - I'm in no rush so happy to enjoy what comes along and play the long game - I've got something of a balancing act on my hands, particularly regarding time and how D/s operates when you are not the sole partner.

I'm able to view my previous musings on the subject in the context of being a submissive and either being in love or certainly falling in love with The Photographer. Those two factors made life hard, too hard to bear in the end. Now, things are a lot easier. Perhaps because I have learnt from my mistakes, and learnt how to better manage my feelings. I can keep a lighter emotional touch these days, I care about my partners, certainly and could see myself caring more. I am passionate about them and about what we do. But these are "in the moment" passions, remembered fondly. Zen BDSM, if you will. These people are not always mine and there are places these relationships cannot go, ways in which they will not develop and that creates a remit that must be adhered to.

The dominant position means I am more in control of what is going on and taking a more active part in what I am doing and with whom rather than being controlled. This requires a certain amount of self-control, as well as control of others. I order my personal expectations and need to keep a cool, pragmatic approach when managing the "externalities" of our interactions, especially about where the lines are drawn, and not getting too territorial when they need to be re-drawn because of the needs of my partners' other partners.

To take a good "lines" example, I recently had a discussion with Mr Smith about marks on his back. His wife had seen them and been upset. Now, I had spoken to him about marks - because they were going to happen if he wanted to submit to me - and he had told me that the usual standard was fine (nothing visible in a suit and shirt). However, nothing can really match seeing marks, realising them for fact and she had reacted to that in a way that had not been predicted. Upon hearing about this, I went into two parallel thought modes: D/s and open relationship management. The dominant in me was annoyed about this shifting of goal posts, especially over something I had checked and thought was fine. There was a spark of anger over interference in my play. All of these D/s reactions needed to be absorbed, understood and left to one side because I do not have full D/s control over him. On the wider relationship front I personally felt uncomfortable about upsetting someone else, even though I hadn't known it would be a problem. My response was to change the sort of play activity (for the moment) to something less marking but not less in terms of D/s and to try and arrange a coffee date with his wife to set ground rules face to face.

Time is another issue. I'm busy. I do a lot of things. Add to that multiple partners and the need to find time to locate new partners (as well as blogging about it all) and my diary becomes a very serious piece of work. I have stopped fledgling engagements in their tracks because the other party couldn't organise themselves out of a paper bag. My partner's time is important, my partner's partner's time is important. But mostly, my time is important, because it is my D/s time.

Whatever they do elsewhere, whatever other relationships they have, when they are with me they run to my clock. I take my time, because it is my time to take and to indulge in. Taking and indulging is part of the power exchange, they give me themselves and they give me their undivided attention. From stepping into the restaurant until I leave them in the morning, those hours are mine to do with as I wish. Afterward, and before, are blank pages for other people to write upon. The sense of transitory ownership and the anxieties or difficulties that can present is mediated by ring fencing specific points in time. My D/s only works because I can view these people as belonging to me for the moments they are with me, allowing me to appreciate them to the full when they are with me, but leaving well alone when they are not.