Met up with Captain for coffee yesterday, which was amicable, if a little tepid. I had a minor worry in the back of my mind that I might be upset or that some sort of emotional event might occur, but the whole thing was rather cool, calm and collected. It was nice to touch base again on a friendly level, and to be able to do so in a neutral capacity - I surprised my self by feeling no internal pangs at seeing him again, which confirms that the right decision was made. I feel pretty positive and comfortable with where I am now, which is certainly different to last week and the week before that. I'll admit to feeling a bit awkward watching him play with other people a few weeks ago, but thinking on how that manifested it was more like a reminder of something I had wanted rather than anything that ever really existed. We chatted, checking in on our lives and people we knew in common for an hour or so before going our separate ways.
What I especially noticed was that my not wanting to touch continues - usually I find that I want to reach out to someone, especially be able to smell them, if I'm sexually interested. Because that didn't happen and particularly because I have had that reaction to him in the past means two things - first that whatever was there is now gone, possibly owing to the second point which is that I've switched and am now tuning in to more dominant desires - which means that another dominant is fun to talk to but a dreadful sexual prospect.
My body is waking up, though, and certainly I'm getting lots of kinky thoughts and fantasies, whereas a while ago I would have been mostly blank. I think that regular exercise is helping - physically I'm in very good shape and that means I'm also more aware of myself, my body and its needs. I've been spending time by myself, just resting and processing, even taking up meditation again which I haven't done for ages, but gives me a reason to sit still and just take some time. Being able to ground myself in myself is quite new - and I'm rather enjoying the process. I'm also getting some rather pleasant kinky input from conversations with Ten who seems intent on being hoist by his own petard judging from comments he makes: "I have a high pain threshold", "I don't cry easily", "I'm scared of CBT but I trust you". All grist to the mill, which is once again starting to grind. I've always had dominant fantasies, even when in relationships when I've been the submissive one, but I'm getting them as a matter of course now and they are the go-to imagery that I use for masturbation.
I'm having two weeks off work shortly and very much looking forward to it. Attempting to book in time with friends that I haven't seen in ages, and particularly get in some decent rope practice in anticipation of tying-up-boys in the future. Tying two boys together in some ghastly, uncomfortable position would be rather nice and I've notched "mFm threesome" higher up my list of to-do activities and judging from an online conversation last night involving Majeste and Boy Wonder it's possible that a double domme session might be in the offing, although I'll have to check-in on how serious that was and how much was just part of the always entertaining pastime of making other people nervous.
5 weeks ago