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The online diary of an ethical pervert.

Thursday, 6 May 2010

Coming in from the cold

I've been having a strange week. After getting the email from The Photographer, he's been on my mind a lot, especially after seeing Reined In at LAM who told me that he thought we were very good together and that he'd like to see us both again. This made me think about the relationship that we had, what I miss, what I'm glad to be without. It also made me remember that whilst nothing is perfect, whatever you do there is rough and smooth, some things can be too rough, not enough smooth. I always think it's easier to just miss the "good bits", in hindsight, especially if you are a bit low or feeling a little lonesome (I've been spending rather a lot of time by myself recently, with illness and suchlike).

For example, I can be sad about that strength of connection we had, the love and the bone-deep satisfaction of "being his" without also remembering the misery of knowing he loved someone else and how I could never really square our D/s within the shadow of the other woman. The mind is a funny thing. What I am forever forgetting is just how stressful it all was - the mystery of polyamory, the issues with long distance relationships, the endless groping around for a way of "fixing it", the amount of tears and frustration I had. The quantities of words spoken or written in emails circling around whether we could work or not could fill volumes. I must have cried more during that relationship than during my entire life.

Yet I also miss the dailiness of it, those little assurances and reassurances of being part of someone else's world, part of their world view. Being together is more than the sum of its parts. Quiet moments as well as loud ones. Holding hands. Falling asleep curled up against his chest and listening to his heart beating. That I was with him and that he was with me meant a great deal, if only just the simple knowledge that he was the person I went to first, when anything happened, large or small. The difficulty with us was the imbalance. The fact that I to him was not the same as him to me, something often exacerbated by our D/s.

The absence of it is still a space I feel rather keenly. But also one I'm not rushing to fill. Because I'm frightened of getting hurt again, for a start, which is making me view things in a very transactional, friendly light. It was a big deal this week when I told Captain that I liked him, that I was happy with the D/s relationship we had set up. I felt like I was warming up a little, after being quite cold for a while. Beginning to build up my confidence and trust to reveal a small amount of feeling, whereas before I wanted the world at arms distance. I took a small step forward.

It was hard, and it continues to be hard - there's a part of me that still wants to run away, or eat my words. I'm nervous about having developed (or revealed) any element of feeling, but it's said now and perhaps for the best. After all, aside from a quick flurry of clarification, there was no immediate rejection, thankfully. And it's nice to be able to open up a little, to not feel so closed and self-reliant. I know that D/s is better with a "real" connection and it would be good to be able to build something that relies more on the balance of power between us both than between my own willingness and desire to submit to him.

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