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The online diary of an ethical pervert.

Sunday, 7 March 2010

Yellow belly

I have a confession to make. I'm a coward. I am terribly risk averse and have a rather practical mind which means that whilst others are stripping off and running naked into fountains I am standing around holding the towels, worrying about chest infections and water-borne diseases.

I'm currently enjoying a series of email offers from various potential play partners and whilst I love getting my fingers dirty with other people's fantasies, when it comes to actually doing them I can get cold feet where certain sorts of play are concerned. The main area of concern is public play. By which, I mean play in the vanilla sphere, where one might get caught not only by random passers-by but by levels of authority. To be specific, Majeste wants to take me out to a well-known department store and fuck me in the changing rooms. Now, I am very keen to play with her (even though or perhaps because she scares me) so the content of the play is fine and dandy. It's the public element that has me worried.

I can easily wrap this up in a desire not to expose the public to BDSM, because I am firmly of the opinion that the only spectators to any sort of sexual act should be consenting parties. But that's not the whole truth. The truth is that I am terrified of being caught. I'm a good girl, you see. I try and do the right thing, to be well behaved, to be polite. I don't want to break the rules. I'll feel guilty. Worse, I don't want to get caught breaking the rules. I'll be embarrassed. Worse still, I'm terrified of what might happen if we got found out. Would we be arrested? Would there be charges? Would I have to tell my mother?

I realise that there is a thrill here, an attraction. There's a part of me that wants to do it simply because it does scare me. I want to go through the process of being scared, the feeling and the adrenaline and come out the other side stronger, because I faced my fears, to experience the high of getting away with it. I want to be brave. I also don't want to let Majeste down, because on a certain level, a denial of someone's fantasies can come across as a denial of them, because fantasies are so personal. I know how difficult I have found it in the past when partners have been unwilling to participate in my fantasies.

I normally enjoy responding to the desire of others. Not just because pleasing people is satisfying but because they take me to strange places, expose me to new things. This means that sometimes I end up doing things that I would not enjoy in and of themselves but do end up enjoying because my partner derives pleasure from them. This is even more powerful when they are things I really don't like doing. It's easy to "submit" to something you enjoy, after all. This is where the D/s comes in and where my brain takes the lead. Submission is not merely about physical endurance, it's about psychological barriers, willpower, acts of control and self control. Which means that a lot of it is about me and what I do and don't want to do. It is only when I'm confronted with something I find personally difficult or challenging that I feel I am really submitting.

When it works, when it works well, when I'm with someone who knows me and can handle me correctly, I can find the pleasure in my own personal hell. In this instance, the overcoming of the fear of being caught in order to merely go through the act would be just the first step. Finding actual pleasure whilst being used in this way - not from being fucked and spacing out on sensation - but from dropping my own boundaries to facilitate the desire of someone else would be a wonderful moment of submission.

Fingers crossed.

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