"Have you read my latest blog post?"
He shakes his head.
Damn. That means I'm going to have to explain myself from scratch. I've gotten terribly used to being able to communicate with partners through this medium, like opening up my brain letting them take the thoughts then using it as a starting point. It's probably a bad habit. On the other hand, it's one that has always generated a lot of interesting conversations and ensuing exciting evenings in. Like a lot of bad habits, I suppose.
Captain and I are having takeaway. There's beer, which is good. I'm a long way down the first pint before I'm really able to start the conversation. I'm nervous, naturally. Vulnerable. There's something I want, and he's got the ability to say "no". It's about my feelings, which makes it worse. But then again, I'd kick myself for missing this opportunity - fortuitous that he emailed yesterday afternoon, responding to my mildly tremulous "I miss you" message. There's no time like the present. I take some more sips of beer and remind myself that I am a grown-up and that the longer I don't say anything the longer things will remain unsaid and thereby unclear.
I talk. I say that I want a "proper" D/s connection with him, to put what we are doing into a process, a context. Fuck it. A relationship. We talked about what that might mean, what sort of commitment it might entail. A couple of things became obvious, one was that he seemed interested, which was good and got rid of my initial worry. Yet also reticent, and the reason for this didn't seem to have anything to do with me, and a lot to do with where he was in his life and what he could offer. What struck me as interesting was how he described his concerns - that he felt in a D/s relationship the onus and bulk of the effort would lie with him as the Dominant, that he didn't have a lot of time and was worried about meeting my "needs", which he assumed would increase the moment we put a D/s hat on it. Whereas I wasn't especially interested in changing much of what we actually did - more time and attention would of course be lovely, but that is the case regardless. He was concerned with practicalities, whereas for me, they were already in place. What I was talking about was less tangible.
I want a sense of belonging. An arrangement that matches my feelings. A situation in which my desire to see him, and to play with him was part of something more than mutually enjoyable transaction. I wanted a reason for what we were doing, space for my brain as well as my body. A D/s situation will allow me to move beyond a place in which I control myself, handing over parts on an adhoc basis, and one in which the control is elsewhere. Outwardly, it's unlikely that anyone else would ever see the difference. I don't want or need 24/7 micromanagement, I can mostly look after myself. There are things I want. But they are not time-consuming. A few simple rules to live by and I can maintain my own submission. That's what trust and power exchange stand for in my mind. I want to have that little secret, hot and wet inside of me where no-one can really see, that says I am his to do with as he wants. In essence, it is not a change of behaviour, more a change of view. However, as I pointed out to him, there's no point me having these thoughts and feelings if he doesn't want to share in them, otherwise I'm essentially masturbating and using our interactions as a prop. Pleasurable, but not as good as it could be.
And I always want to do better.
I've left him to think about it. Having said everything that needed to be said, I'll see what the response is. I feel as if a weight has gone from my shoulders, there's relief, if nothing else. I'll be sad if he comes back with a "no", of course, but I'll be better for knowing where I stand and able to go on to explore with other people. If he says "yes" that's when the fun really starts.
5 weeks ago