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The online diary of an ethical pervert.

Wednesday, 24 March 2010

Strike whilst the iron is hot

"Have you read my latest blog post?"

He shakes his head.

Damn. That means I'm going to have to explain myself from scratch. I've gotten terribly used to being able to communicate with partners through this medium, like opening up my brain letting them take the thoughts then using it as a starting point. It's probably a bad habit. On the other hand, it's one that has always generated a lot of interesting conversations and ensuing exciting evenings in. Like a lot of bad habits, I suppose.

Captain and I are having takeaway. There's beer, which is good. I'm a long way down the first pint before I'm really able to start the conversation. I'm nervous, naturally. Vulnerable. There's something I want, and he's got the ability to say "no". It's about my feelings, which makes it worse. But then again, I'd kick myself for missing this opportunity - fortuitous that he emailed yesterday afternoon, responding to my mildly tremulous "I miss you" message. There's no time like the present. I take some more sips of beer and remind myself that I am a grown-up and that the longer I don't say anything the longer things will remain unsaid and thereby unclear.

I talk. I say that I want a "proper" D/s connection with him, to put what we are doing into a process, a context. Fuck it. A relationship. We talked about what that might mean, what sort of commitment it might entail. A couple of things became obvious, one was that he seemed interested, which was good and got rid of my initial worry. Yet also reticent, and the reason for this didn't seem to have anything to do with me, and a lot to do with where he was in his life and what he could offer. What struck me as interesting was how he described his concerns - that he felt in a D/s relationship the onus and bulk of the effort would lie with him as the Dominant, that he didn't have a lot of time and was worried about meeting my "needs", which he assumed would increase the moment we put a D/s hat on it. Whereas I wasn't especially interested in changing much of what we actually did - more time and attention would of course be lovely, but that is the case regardless. He was concerned with practicalities, whereas for me, they were already in place. What I was talking about was less tangible.

I want a sense of belonging. An arrangement that matches my feelings. A situation in which my desire to see him, and to play with him was part of something more than mutually enjoyable transaction. I wanted a reason for what we were doing, space for my brain as well as my body. A D/s situation will allow me to move beyond a place in which I control myself, handing over parts on an adhoc basis, and one in which the control is elsewhere. Outwardly, it's unlikely that anyone else would ever see the difference. I don't want or need 24/7 micromanagement, I can mostly look after myself. There are things I want. But they are not time-consuming. A few simple rules to live by and I can maintain my own submission. That's what trust and power exchange stand for in my mind. I want to have that little secret, hot and wet inside of me where no-one can really see, that says I am his to do with as he wants. In essence, it is not a change of behaviour, more a change of view. However, as I pointed out to him, there's no point me having these thoughts and feelings if he doesn't want to share in them, otherwise I'm essentially masturbating and using our interactions as a prop. Pleasurable, but not as good as it could be.

And I always want to do better.

I've left him to think about it. Having said everything that needed to be said, I'll see what the response is. I feel as if a weight has gone from my shoulders, there's relief, if nothing else. I'll be sad if he comes back with a "no", of course, but I'll be better for knowing where I stand and able to go on to explore with other people. If he says "yes" that's when the fun really starts.

4 comments:

L said...

go you! it sounds like you presented it really well and his reaction is respectable to you. always a good start whatever the outcome.
I'm still struggling to work out what I want and whether I want it from my guy to ask for it from him. right now, the idea of having it is enough before I start to need it.
Can't wait to hear what the result is.
xx

electronic doll said...

@L

Good luck to you. I can't really speak to your circumstances, as I don't know enough detail, but I do know that once things are clear in my mind I then need to speak out about them.

I'm always at my worst when left to stew - but that's not the same as taking proper time to think this over. I think that when you know: you just know.

And you will.

Sir said...

Being 'D' in D/s is a lot of responsibility - even if the sub doesn't think its much work. Especially if that person doesn't ever do anything by halves......

electronic doll said...

@Sir

I think you might be seeing criticism where none exists.

I was genuinely interested in the difference of perception and response to the question posed. Neither viewpoint is right or wrong.

Perhaps there's a disjunct between what we term D/s relationships. Or how we envisage them operating. Clearly we both have different assumptions on what might be involved, and as that hasn't been discussed, I can only go on my own, which doesn't diminish the value of anyone else's - I just don't know about it.

And there's probably something around defintions of "work" and "responsibility". Each party works. Each has a responsibility.

I've certainly been in a D/s relationship where I put in a hell of a lot of effort to keeping him in the style to which he'd become accustomed, so the call of "subs make no effort" won't wash.

Fundamentally, every pairing is different and finds its own level. Getting to that balance is part of the fun. I don't see that it has to be onerous, I wouldn't want it to be.