A number of things have happened to me over the past week which have forced me to re-evaluate where I stand on sex, intimacy and relationships. So, not much, then. It's part of the reason why I haven't posted in a while - I've been turning things over in my mind and just when I thought things were clear they changed. This is quite annoying as I usually pride myself on being fairly methodical, on knowing my own mind and desires. Sadly, I appear to be rather changeable and unpredictable at the moment, which is leaving me surprised and confused, in turns, at my own responses to situations.
Here's a brief run-down of what's been happening. I'm hoping that the process of actually writing this all down might give me more direction. I've been seeing Captain for a few months now. I like him, I love his kink, the way he plays and the places that takes me. We see each other semi-regularly: once a week or so. I'd like to do more more, but it's a time issue, more so than a lack of willingness (I believe). I am, however, disconcerted by the lack of any handle or signifier over these interactions. I hate the idea of being "friends with benefits" - it's cold, dull and smacks of waiting for better things to come along. I'd rather not be a time-filler: hopefully, I'm not. He's been pretty clear that he doesn't want to have a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. Which leaves, from my point of view, an unspoken D/s arrangement. And that unspoken aspect is driving me a little nuts. I feel insecure, unsafe. Hanging on a limb.
This is generally fine - most of the time I like being able to come and go as a please and, the desire for more kinky sex notwithstanding, I'm able to do so. But two things have changed. The first, is the realisation this morning that I miss him. I didn't see him last weekend which was unusual and I felt the lack today. The second is that I don't want to have sex with anyone else. I spent part of the weekend with Knight of Wands and whilst lying next to him, his arms around me, was fine and I enjoyed the human comfort of another body my muscles twitched and part of me froze. I know myself (now) to be both monogamous and somewhat territorial on my own behalf. If I'm with someone, I'm with them and I have clear boundaries on how I relate to others. This usually boiled down to enjoying playing, flirting and being tied up by other people in specific and pre-planned circumstances, but not having sex with them.
I have a backdrop of exciting play offers, including some pet play, time with Mr and Mrs Magpie and a proposed double dom sessions from Majeste and Spiral as well as an upcoming rope bondage class with Hedwig. I'm keen to pursue all of these offers and none of them make me bristle, pause or panic. Because they are players I know and can interact with on a "pure" play level - we will enjoy ourselves, a lot in some cases - I don't connect with them emotionally and that's a good thing. It keeps it simple. This isn't to say I don't like them nor that the play is not intense. But they are not lovers, or partners. They are players and I love them for that. They also don't give me the "intimacy twitch" that I experienced with Knight of Wands, experienced so obviously that he laughed at me for it, for the way my body expresses itself in capital letters, even when I'm not saying a word. Add to this, I met up with another friend last night and we ate, drank and were merry. Then discussed kink. Then kissed. It was a very good kiss, the sort that I have been lacking, we held hands. I'd be lacking that as well. But the desire for anything more, or what that more might have been was nebulous and confused, to say the least. I'm still not certain where it was all coming from and though I'm neither guilty nor sorry I did it, it was all very unexpected. We're meeting for coffee in a couple of weeks and will discuss. It's clear that I needed the kiss in the same way that I need the play partners and couldn't cope with the soft embrace of an early morning sleepy sexual encounter.
What I've come to realise is that I'm now obviously viewing Captain as my major partner, without actually getting everything I would want from that kind of relationship. Including clarity on whether or not we have a relationship and if we do, what it entails. This means we need a conversation. And that may well go down like a ton of bricks. However, I refuse to be embarrassed about how I'm feeling, and if it fucks things up, then so be it. With any luck, though, we can both be grown up about where we are and what we want and come to some sort of arrangement. I don't want to stop seeing him, but equally, I need an easy life at the moment. With a lot of filthy sex.