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The online diary of an ethical pervert.

Thursday, 13 August 2009

Resistance is futile

"You just lie there and masturbate. I'll stroke your hair, I won't strangle you."

"You can if you want..." A grin through the words, and they are barely out of my mouth before his hand is clamped on the back of my neck, pincer-like, pushing me down into the gap between the pillows. His fingers are hard and firm, they press against the tendons and cut into the blood-flow to my brain, white flashes at the edges of my closed eyes. Fireworks inside the eyelids. I gasp. I love being held tight, wherever, however. From sharp pinches to hands locked around my wrist, grasped by the hips or hoisted up in a bear hug - I want to feel wanted and this is one of the most perfect expressions. Grabbing hands take what they want and there's passion in their hunger for flesh, being able to feel that need is extremely erotic. It's about force. About something or someone stronger than me, rendering me incapable or limited in some way, about the power of their will overcoming my own except I am not overcome, because I don't resist.

Put it another way, then. If I'm actively opening myself up to this pressure, seeking it out and accepting it - which I do, as a submissive wanting a D/s sexual relationship - then what is it that is so exciting? It's not about the adrenaline jolt from the thrill of capture or struggle in this case, but about the fulfillment of a very personal desire - to be taken. The pleasure I derive from rape-play scenarios is a case in point. They are games, planned and agreed to, consensual fantasy. Part of the thrill is in the vicarious emotions from adopting the role of panicked (breathless, dizzy, captured) victim, but there is a strong part of pleasure that surrounds the physicalities of it. The being held down, the roughness and impatience of touch, lack of pre-amble. The fact that it is about a body being used, being fucked, not about a person or a personality.

The harder and stronger then the more I am taken. He wants to push, I want to be pushed. And I want to see how far I can be pushed. And I take pleasure in the fact that he cares enough, wants enough, to push me. It draws the edges of what we are, of how the relationship works. I give him access to me, he takes what he wants, how he wants. Last night was special. We haven't fucked like that in a while - it was as if he was taking me back. I felt like his again.

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