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The online diary of an ethical pervert.

Monday, 5 January 2009

The human animal

Knight of Wands and I have been doing a lot of discussion about bodies and states of being created by different physical stimuli, we've been talking particularly about the alteration in perceptions that are not necessarily part of the BDSM toolkit per se but certainly seem to overlap. Astral projection, meditation techniques, all kinds of trances and shapeshifting. The idea of being able to inhabit either the body or the mind in a way that is different from the day-to-day fascinates me, and also strikes a certain chord. When I submit, I feel as if a portion of my "higher" level thought processes switch off and I become more connected to my body, to my physical presence. Rather than drift away in the manner of one falling asleep I am increasingly aware of any contact on my skin, how I am holding myself and suchlike. This is particularly enhanced with bondage or sensory deprivation.

I am increasingly sure that the type of submission I'm espousing is based partly on the type of dominance he is exerting. Given that one of the satisfactions I find in submission is the sense of being satisfying, pleasing someone is therefore important. We've talked a lot about what he wants and what he is interested in, which is something of a grey area, so we are working to find his specific hooks or handles - the things that really, really push his buttons. Without that specific knowledge, without being given the precise details of what to do and how and when I am responding to how he behaves instead. He doesn't speak, so I don't speak - a reasonable act of mirroring. He does make little growling noises and is very "hands-on", there is a lot of grabbing, It feels animalistic, but without an avatar or animal type.
We aren't actively participating in pet play, that's not how it feels. There are no bells or whistles that might signify a puppy or a kitten, and both of us are doing it - there isn't the power imbalance of master and pet, it's different I almost want to say that the sensation is almost predator and prey but wonder if I might perhaps be over stretching the analogy somewhat, nevertheless, given that so much of D/s happens in the mind if that is what I am thinking then that must be part of what I am performing.

There's a strange mix of behaviours going on. I respond to what he is doing, whether it's scratching, biting or pulling me this way and that, in a passive way - like an object or a Doll I let him take whatever he wants. However, I am not still: I moan and make noise, move towards him or against in what feels like an incredibly natural and reactive way. Without thinking. If something hurts, if he hurts me I'll flinch, cry out or even make keening noises before returning to the position he put me in. If he's playing with my clit, fingering my cunt or arse I'll move towards the pleasure. I don't feel like I'm a placid slave or tabula rasa object, I feel like a trapped, willingly trapped, animal of some kind. I'll lick his fingers if they brush my mouth, move my face against him. Blindfolded, gagged and bound whilst he holds me tight in a foetal position, fucking my ass, I am immersed in vast quantities of extraordinary sensation that spring from a body that doesn't feel like, for those moments, a thinking, emoting human body, but something else, something with sharper nerves.

Whatever it is, it's very exciting, and extremely enjoyable for the total release it offers from any form of standardised or required behaviour, and I'm very interested to see how far this can go.

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