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The online diary of an ethical pervert.

Friday, 12 November 2010

Don't let the sun catch you crying

A conversation on my twitter stream got me to think about crying, kink and gendered attitudes to emotional release. Bear with me, it will all merge together seamlessly. Crying - and I mean genuine, gut-wrenching bent over uncontrollable snotty sobbing rather than a few Virgin Mary dew drops on the cheek - is an astonishing outpouring of human emotion and a very challenging thing to watch and to participate in, especially if you are kinky.

Even if you are not, it is a strange sensation, a rarity to see someone cry in public for example, except on cases of obvious exception such as a funeral - in which case the oddity is not crying. Social expectations, perhaps in particular British social expectations mean that the physical breakdown and loss of control shown through crying can make us feel very uncomfortable. We know that someone is unhappy, so unhappy that they are unable to mask that feeling in accordance with the weight of social convention. We empathise with them, and perhaps our heart gives a little pang as it reaches out to them, but at the same time we feel a barrier, we may even feel awkward around them, possibly needing to move away. They have passed over a certain point, we have not.

Dacryphilia, to give it the full name is a complicated beastie, as hinted in the wiki link.Tears, especially a man's tears, are rare, hard and beautiful like diamonds. More so than anger, which is the more generally conditioned male response and certainly the most socially acceptable. One could argue that men are taught to get angry and women are taught to cry, certainly I have been around many more crying women than men and the few men who have cried in my presence have been long term partners after a serious emotional incident.

I love tears. Both crying and the idea of making someone cry. Tears evoke exactly the sort of push/pull response that is the foundation of my own power exchange and D/s. They are a release that gives intense relief after something pent up has been let go - in a very similar way to pain play or to orgasm, an ideal scenario (for me at any rate) would involve all three. It hits all of my buttons. The physical manifestation of an emotional and psychological overload: the mixture of shame, sexual flush, fear and desire. I find tears fascinating. I don't cry often in the presence of others - like many I view breaking down in tears as having "lost" and I have yet to force anyone else to the point of tears. But I want to.

At the moment I can only imagine what it might be like to be the dominant in such a scenario - I have been on the other side of the equation so I understand the level of submission and emotional reliance that this can entail, and therefore the duty of care and responsibility that kind of crying it would bring, would mean. Equally I know that, like orgasm, the release can be very context specific. I have cried as a bottom and it has been a pleasure to cry and to experience the joy of doing so. And finally, I have cried simply for the sorrow and loss of the end of a D/s relationship that was very special and important to me - one that I thought would be forever. I literally sat down and wept every single day for a couple of weeks, I am certain that I cried more than I have ever cried in my life. But each day I cried a little less, and like the washing out of shore by the tides it cleansed something inside of me.

I want to kiss the tears that I have created off the glistening cheeks of my lover as I wrap my arms around them and
let them sob their heart out, comforting and protecting them. The need to cry is in some respects like the need for orgasm, and to be the person who can inspire and fulfill both those needs must be a heady sensation indeed. It's one thing to bring someone to orgasm - even going via a humiliating or challenging route, quite another to make them do so through a mist tears. To take them through that barrier of social constraint, to the next level of trust and opening up, to mingle hurt with pleasure with loss of bodily control. To know, and yet not quite know, because the inside of other people's heads and hearts are still a wonderful mystery, that their tears are like yours in part but belong to you in whole.


M said...

What a lovely topic. Tears have all sorts of meanings, and cuts across gender significances in various ways. Some of its significances within cultural confines confound me and seem contradictory when put altogether.

In the conservative US. The shock jock Glenn Beck often embellishes a political diatribe by breaking into tears. In the cultural context it is seen as patriotic, passionate and distinctly within a male confine. When one's favoured team drops out of the premiership, it is an acceptable occaision for tears.

There are all sorts of reasons why one might cry: physiological reactions (I cry when I'm pushing myself really hard during a training session, and I find it a highly authentic experience); social rituals and shared feelings(such as the recent remembrance day, or religious/spiritual events); then of course, there are the really personal moments.

I think that tears in scarcity show exceptional emotional complexity, and depth. Crying over anything is facile and tears not earned.

If one were to place crying in an emotional-sexual context, it seems to me almost as if there is no limit in what you disclose in that setting. Normal bdsm conditions of safe, sane and consensual normally consider barriers. When one opens the floodgates to distant memories or difficult feelings, you give everything away.

I find this troublesome as much as it is attractive. To give yourself away in what you are feeling and thinking in such a complete way is not something that should be done in a casual relationship. I guess my trust issues come into play here, but such emotional disclosure is subject to a great amount of trust, support and long term connection with a person.

The attraction of it seems also confusing to me. The disclosure of one's feelings may bring affinity with the other, it is a show of authenticity and one's real self. Perhaps there's a promise of reinterpreting, or resolving some issues, but that seems very ambitious. The features of such disclosure is an intimate thing and I suppose I can see how that can have an erotic dimension.

You could say it's the british in me, but that's something too precious a commodity to give away, even as a prelude to intimacy. What if you open a pandora's box of emotions that is too large to deal with? Perhaps I should assume most people aren't as emotionally fucked up as me.

Well anyway, I love the post. Normally with your more erotic posts I think guilty and aroused things, I'm inspired now to listen to early 20thC Lieder now; that's probably the only thing that makes me really weep. I don't think I can give a reason just happens.

Kind (teary) Regards,

Anonymous said...

This is my first time here, but this is such a beautifully written and lovely piece that I had to say hello!

Also, the word verification is 'wince,' which I take as a Cosmic Sign that I must comment. ;)

I look forward to returning for more.


electronic doll said...


Thank you, and yes, it is the opening up and the intimacy that is of relevence here. Both in terms of the depth of feeling and the importance of scarcity - the less someone cries the more special you feel when they cry near you not merely because it is rare but because of how intimate and close you must be to them to allow them to do such a thing.

electronic doll said...


Much appreciated. And I hope you enjoy the ride.