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The online diary of an ethical pervert.

Tuesday, 21 September 2010

Hearts and minds

This is what comes of waiting a few days between the event and the write up: the context changes. I had a lot of fun playing with Dandy on Friday only to find out on Monday that he's decided to get back together with his ex. I am pretty sure these two events are not connected and I don't harbour any bad feelings towards him - it was obvious from the get-go that he was still very much in love with her and he was entirely honest about it. Certainly I know what it feels like to have your heart pull you in one direction, the force it can exert and the need to go where it takes you. This new fact does rather put a sting in the tail of any discussion about what we did a few nights before. He's no longer under my control - I've let him know I'm not going to carry on seeing him - and that means that what we did is now coloured in a different light.

I knew he was ready to play a little harder and I certainly was. A forced strip - he'd mentioned he found being naked and exposed humiliating, so I made sure to offer no encouragement, just orders - then tied to a chair with cold chain and padlocks. Blindfold on. I put his vest over his head and pulled his head back to pour water over his mouth and nose. A classic torture position. Including electrocution via the violet wand. I tested three different applicators, at different levels, enjoying the pretty glow effect almost as much as the moans and twitches. I took my time, building up with each application of shock therapy, I wanted to get him into as floaty and "switched off" state as possible. After that, a bit of flogging, again all about a physical build up to a certain mental place, before dragging him on all fours over to the bed to alternate licking my cunt with being trained on fucking techniques using a dildo-gag. Only once I thought he was ready and understood exactly the correct sort of speed, depth and sensation I wanted from a fuck would I let him near me with his cock.

The idea was that this would be the first amongst a number of treatments and scenarios, aimed at turning him into the perfect submissive sex toy for me. Robots and dolls are a passion of mine. I was very much looking forward to making one of my very own (and a bisexual boy doll at that - my mind was certainly bouncing a lot of evil plans about). Letting him go and losing out on this opportunity is a little upsetting, especially as I was hoping to make this an ongoing arrangement. I'd been recently rather cheered by his appearance in my life - we had similar kinks and he was good to be around and generally easy to get on with.

I made the decision to stop play partly because frankly, neither of us need the complication, but also I don't want to engage in D/s unless I can be the main attraction. I don't share well at the best of times, and when it comes to power exchange I am pretty uncompromising. I've also become very unbending in terms of getting what I want. And if his heart belongs to someone else, chances are his mind is with her too. I'm not interested in pieces of whatever is left, that doesn't especially inspire feelings of dominance in me. I could probably top him again - though not for a while, I don't think - but the real stuff is underneath the welts in the skin and the moaning mouths. I like those things too, but I like the buttons that you push to get them more.

I suppose I'm a little down about it and feeling somewhat lonesome. Coming hot on the heels of the decision to break off with Ten, I feel like I'm living in a fast moving whirlwind of minor BDSM rejections and abdications. Fortunately none of them had gotten anywhere close to the stage of serious emotional hurt (I'm doing my best to avoid that sort of thing), but they were both good matches for what I want right now and their absence is felt. I probably have more sadness over not knowing where the next good fuck is coming from - but regular sex is important to me lack of D/s is a genuine feeling. I've lost two lovers in the space of a week. Any more and people will think I'm careless. This is rather taking the shine off going out and playing with other people. However, that is how I feel right now and I'm changeable, so no doubt after a few days I'll feel different.

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