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The online diary of an ethical pervert.

Tuesday, 17 August 2010

Impenetrable

Nothing is happening, so naturally, I'm blogging about it. I haven't died, hung up my rope or moved to a Land Without Kink. In case anyone was worried. Things continue as normal with Ten - he's a good boy and follows instructions. He also does a good line in unobtrusive but pleasing texts and emails. There is a vague thought in the back of my mind that perhaps I should go on a date or two, or at least respond to the messages on various BDSM internet forums, but frankly, there's not a lot out there that takes my fancy at the moment.

The main point is my lack of sexual desire. Now when I use this phrase I usually refer to quite a broad church, so I'm going to refine it down to fucking. Hand on heart, I am totally disinterested, almost as far as to say that the idea of someone penetrating me is a little abhorrent. Being touched, as long as I can specify where and how would be fine, receiving oral sex and allowing someone to show their appreciation with a massage or other stimulation could be acceptable, but only if I'm in the mood - which mostly I'm not. And that they would go away the instant I wanted them to, without fuss, which is not really the best way to treat another person, even if you are on top.

The requirement for orgasm hasn't diminished and I continue to be a healthy two-a-day kind of girl. That said, penetrative sex has never really been a way of delivering orgasm which is why I don't associate the two in my mind. Penetrative sex gives something else, a feeling of fullness, of completion, of being taken and owned and that isn't what I want right now. I don't have the requirement, is perhaps a better way of putting it. The need for that kind of exchange doesn't exist. I don't have a space to fill. Fucking someone else, perhaps, but them inside me - not a chance.

I am still interested in play, although this too has become refined down to more isolationist pursuits that rely on little input and even less skin-to-skin contact. Sensory deprivation still holds a fascination for me, the thought of being cocooned in a bubble of plastic, perhaps with a vibrator, and just left to my own devices to float away to nothing is very attractive. Machines and devices seem to win over people every time. My current top masturbatory fantasy involves two faceless, hard bodied men in tight rubber hoods and pants (like these ones, which make me very excited - turning penises into nice, shiny dildoes) who I can use and then put away, like toys. Or watch them try to fuck each other. Dolls. Perhaps a number on their skin, like runners marked for a triathalon. Essentially I want pleasure without the hassle of returning the caress. And it does feel like a hassle, to have to engage with someone else, their emotional and physical needs. A relationship in other words, is too much like hard work.

Because of this, I'm not really looking for new partners, because new partners are much less likely to understand me or where I'm coming from. They might want sex, for example. Or to hold hands. Perhaps a part of me has decided that now is the time for being selfish, and that is a difficult thought for me, having been brought up to believe that being selfish is bad, to take without giving. I'm trying to put that to one side for the moment because other than that I'm pretty happy just doing my own thing without anyone much to do it with.

4 comments:

L said...

Will you get out of my mind?!! only joking, but seriously, it's like I have a phase of emotions then I read your blog and see it reflected! strange! but I feel like that too at the moment, off and on. Sometimes I think about penises and have an almost primary school girl reaction: ewww...GROSS! Get it away from me. (This is also the time my lesbian fantasies take an increase). Then I sometimes have an urge for a emotionless hook up with an old flame because we were very good at what we did. and then I think about it and then switch back to the ewwwww feeling. I recently also think about giving up on sex altogether for a while and taking a vow of chastity...although oral and touching isn't covered in that of course....
It's good that you're happy about being true to your emotions at the moment, and accepting them without fuss. I think sometimes a break from it all just helps, as you can get sucked in and forget what was fun in the first place.
I still long for that fizz of excitement that I used to get when I was about 17/18 and flirted in a bar or club and just got physically close to someone, let alone touch them. I guess I've just become totally de-sensitised and now can't really be arsed.
I'll stop now before I turn this comment into blog length!

electronic doll said...

@ L

I can't help my pyschic internet powers...

Interesting side note - my reaction against bodies is the same for male and female bodies, so it's less about ewww penises and more about ewww people.

A friend of mine spent an amusing few minutes once he'd worked out that touching me on the arm made me flinch.

Ah - that teenage rush of blood to the head from the first kiss or the spreading warmth of realising that their knee was next to yours.

I'm not sure whether I'm de-sensitised so much as switched off and not ready to begin the trudge back into intimacy.

Pygar said...

"switched off and not ready to begin the trudge back into intimacy"

You are a sexual being - a two orgasm a day need you say - but perhaps not a sensual one.

At first I felt the opposite about you - you didn't want penetrative sex but still had sexual needs. Penetrative sex is such a small part of the sensuality that can accompany vanilla or kinky or bdsm play.

For me it is that sensuality which is important - not whether I get to "fuck" or not.

But you seem to be looking for a distance - a physical distance - even barricaded by latex. Perhaps a psychological distance too?

To want to avoid the sense of touch even - an erotic massage perhaps leading to cunnilingus would surely be inviting to most sexually charged women - seems almost sad.

I feel a sadness in your own words as you write it - or perhaps I have misread. It seems as if you want to rediscover sensuality and desire but have taken another track to satisfaction until it returns.

The important thing is that you feel content with your situation or can find a partner who will work with you to understand your needs and desires and help you fulfil them.

xPx

electronic doll said...

@Pygar

Thank you for those points - very interesting.

Physical distance is important right now, mostly because I'm waxing hot and cold over "other people's bodies", "touching" and "feelings" so having someone like Ten who is far away makes me feel less inconsistent.

I don't think that liking latex is inconsistent with sensuality - I'm a pervert and a fetishist - I get off on the touch and feel of latex. Sensation is still a part of it, but the disconnect between that sensation and the real body of another person is part of the sexual thrill. I like alienation.

Erotic massage, as you put it, is not really my thing, it's a bit, well - vanilla?

There is a bit of sadness, I suppose, because it's strange to feel this lack of desire, but also more of an acceptance that you can't really push for it. Things will come, in time.