Nothing is happening, so naturally, I'm blogging about it. I haven't died, hung up my rope or moved to a Land Without Kink. In case anyone was worried. Things continue as normal with Ten - he's a good boy and follows instructions. He also does a good line in unobtrusive but pleasing texts and emails. There is a vague thought in the back of my mind that perhaps I should go on a date or two, or at least respond to the messages on various BDSM internet forums, but frankly, there's not a lot out there that takes my fancy at the moment.
The main point is my lack of sexual desire. Now when I use this phrase I usually refer to quite a broad church, so I'm going to refine it down to fucking. Hand on heart, I am totally disinterested, almost as far as to say that the idea of someone penetrating me is a little abhorrent. Being touched, as long as I can specify where and how would be fine, receiving oral sex and allowing someone to show their appreciation with a massage or other stimulation could be acceptable, but only if I'm in the mood - which mostly I'm not. And that they would go away the instant I wanted them to, without fuss, which is not really the best way to treat another person, even if you are on top.
The requirement for orgasm hasn't diminished and I continue to be a healthy two-a-day kind of girl. That said, penetrative sex has never really been a way of delivering orgasm which is why I don't associate the two in my mind. Penetrative sex gives something else, a feeling of fullness, of completion, of being taken and owned and that isn't what I want right now. I don't have the requirement, is perhaps a better way of putting it. The need for that kind of exchange doesn't exist. I don't have a space to fill. Fucking someone else, perhaps, but them inside me - not a chance.
I am still interested in play, although this too has become refined down to more isolationist pursuits that rely on little input and even less skin-to-skin contact. Sensory deprivation still holds a fascination for me, the thought of being cocooned in a bubble of plastic, perhaps with a vibrator, and just left to my own devices to float away to nothing is very attractive. Machines and devices seem to win over people every time. My current top masturbatory fantasy involves two faceless, hard bodied men in tight rubber hoods and pants (like these ones, which make me very excited - turning penises into nice, shiny dildoes) who I can use and then put away, like toys. Or watch them try to fuck each other. Dolls. Perhaps a number on their skin, like runners marked for a triathalon. Essentially I want pleasure without the hassle of returning the caress. And it does feel like a hassle, to have to engage with someone else, their emotional and physical needs. A relationship in other words, is too much like hard work.
Because of this, I'm not really looking for new partners, because new partners are much less likely to understand me or where I'm coming from. They might want sex, for example. Or to hold hands. Perhaps a part of me has decided that now is the time for being selfish, and that is a difficult thought for me, having been brought up to believe that being selfish is bad, to take without giving. I'm trying to put that to one side for the moment because other than that I'm pretty happy just doing my own thing without anyone much to do it with.
5 weeks ago