Strap-on perspectives

Some more thoughts about threesomes and power dynamics after the weekend. I've had chance to think a bit more on how it worked and how it felt. One of the most interesting points was that of agency, and how my personal levels of control altered over the morning. At first, I was playing a very submissive role, letting both Captain and Maple move me around, put me in place. This worked very well with how I wanted to be that morning - passive, receptive, a doll-like offering up of myself, letting my body be manipulated for the pleasure of others. Exactly the sort of safe and comfortable submissive space that I naturally veer towards. No speech. No initiative. Riding the waves of external desire.

She suggested the strap-on, he put it on me, tying me in to the thick leather straps, adjusting the rubber cock and holding me in position, to fuck her whilst he fucked me. Every now and then he would take hold of my hips and press me into her a little faster. It felt a little as if he was fucking her through me - I was a tool or a toy that he was using on her. I started to come out of my morning reverie and really pay attention to what was going on, moving beyond just the warm empty space of my own body. It was a little like waking up. Changing from one state to another, from being very fluid and liquid and becoming more solid, more present. Little things at first, a slight adjustment of position, whereas normally I would wait until someone moved me. Reaching out to touch her, to talk to her, check whether she was ok with my first, uncertain, initial thrusts. I watched her, rather than looking at her. Enjoying the feelings I was giving her, and feeling as if I was giving those feelings rather than him through me. I felt a change in the balance of power with him also, as we exchanged looks over her body as she started to moan, like two diners about to eat a much anticipated meal. I smiled at him, eyes looking at him in a way I would not have normally done. I felt very relaxed, comfortable in what I was doing, keen to do more. An active participant instead of a plaything.

Part of this was about becoming accustomed to the strap-on, as well as the dynamic. The lack of feedback was very strange, but despite that I could imagine (especially given that I was also being fucked at the time) how it felt. I started to get more involved, to hold her, move her hips against mine, grab her shoulders or move her legs to get a better angle. I started to feel more in control, more toppy, more involved in managing her feelings rather than letting her take her pleasure. It wasn't about feeling like a boy, or feeling like the strap-on was "mine" or a part of me. I didn't feel a gender switch, just a BDSM switch. The strap-on was certainly part of how I felt, but only insomuch as it was a tool for me to be on top - I've felt similar reactions to using a violet wand or a vibrator on someone or even fucking cowgirl stye. It was about doing unto rather than being done, about moving from a state of absenting control to accepting it.

The power balance shifted, I realise now, with the presence of a third person. And underneath all of that was an increase in my own confidence in my interactions with Captain. I generally feel less nervous about what he wants and needs and can start to take the initiative without worrying I'll upset the dynamic. When I play I like to able to anticipate as well as respond - to be able to give pleasure without always being told exactly what to do, but that takes time. And this was one of those times. I came out of my perma-passive state and into something that more closely reassembles myself and was still desired, still exciting - more so by being desired by two people. I'd let go a little, I suppose, and it felt good. We'd increased the borders in which we play, and I like having room to manoeuvre. I moved from only ever being his toy to use to playing with someone together. And I'm pretty keen to do it again.