Met up with Knight of Wands for dinner recently in what seemed like the first time in many moons. We went through the usual round-up before I was able to quiz him on a curious situation I find myself in. He knows me pretty well so I was keen to get his insights. Of late, I've been pondering on why I feel as if I'm holding back in my kinky explorations, I don't feel as if I'm going as deep as I could do, or really, truly letting go. I'm getting a lot of "thus far, but no further" from my brain - I find getting into a light trance state very easy, I can drop into that without any problem, but I can also pop back up equally quickly.
There's something in my head. Watching me. Checking up on me. And in a lot of cases, narrating and describing what is happening. My internal blogger is taking notes. Knight of Wands pointed out that this is a perfectly normal, sensible and safe thing to have, which I agree with, but wonder if the "this is me, doing this" mental scenario might be stopping me from getting to the next level. Two other thoughts were about my style of play, which is very responsive/reactive and overwhelmingly dependent on the other party to provide the shape of the play. This means that I wait, I anticipate, I prepare. Additionally, I need input on the value of my responses, because I want to be a good girl, so I monitor what I am doing to try and be better, more pleasing. In other words, I think a lot. I have the impression that if I could switch off more, let go more and think less I might be able to enjoy/endure more. Which I'd like. A lot.
I've also been thinking about how this limitation might be physical manifesting itself - for example my seeming inability to orgasm for a partner, or, to be honest, with any other type of manipulation beyond masturbation, under the covers, on my front, in my own bed. Typing that makes me feel as if I have some secret vanilla-orgasm shame, but realistically I think it's more about physical familiarity and the confidence to proceed. I can orgasm for myself, by myself because that is what that engagement is for. I often feel nervy during play about the potential for orgasm, partly because I feel like a "bad submissive" if I come before my partner (fortunately this has only ever happened once or twice) and equally, if I don't come as a result of what they are doing (unfortunately this has happened an awful lot). I never feel confident that I am allowed to orgasm during a play session unless specifically ordered to, so therefore I hold myself back. Equally, I am historically totally unable to orgasm on command so I get stressed and distressed which turns into a self-fulfilling prophecy.
It all seems to be about letting go.
To me, that is a lot about trust. To be able to let go I need to feel extremely comfortable and confident in my current play partners (who are, to be fair, still quite new to me, so this is no reflection on them and more a representation of my own feelings). It's not about trusting them to respect my limits or to respond to safe words or whatever - I would hardly play with anyone who didn't. It's more about knowing them and their style of BDSM enough to know I have the space to fail. That if I don't manage to do what they want me to do, if I can't take that pain or maintain that position that we will still be ok. This isn't about wanting to avoid punishment - in many respects that is a very important act of catharsis - it's about trusting that if I let go, if I fall backwards and am entirely myself, it will be into safe hands. That when I respond and react automatically from deep within, without the checks and balances of my own careful monitoring, no matter what happens, what I say or do, they will pick me up and help me get back together again. That they will still be proud of me, happy to have played with me, desiring to do it again. Fundamentally, I worry that if I don't concentrate I'll fuck up.
That by letting go I will let them down.