The Photographer is away for a while. This has given me some time to think, for us to think, about where we might go in the future. I've also been thinking quite hard about poly and whether that is right for me. I met up with Knight of Wands for lunch yesterday, and he was very supportive and good to talk to. I'm not sure that I can properly sustain two relationships, especially not two BDSM relationships. We discussed whether we could realistically exist as "play only" and whilst we have agreed that we probably can, but that at the moment I just need a bit of time to work things out. No sex please, I'm anxious.
The current sexual hiatus is a double-edged sword for my state of mind. On the one hand it gives me the opportunity to examine my life and my relationships in the cold light of day rather than the warm afterglow of beatings and orgasm. On the other, my life is now a little lacking in beatings and orgasm. It's a shame, because part of me is sure that I'd feel an awful lot better on the other side of a hefty evening spent chained, gagged and abused. However, I'm navigating some odd places right now and don't really have a handle on how I'd react. Good play is only good play when one is in the right headspace and I've not got that at the moment: I feel a little too fragile physically and emotionally to be able to just let go and enjoy myself with someone, so it wouldn't be particularly fair to either party.
My sensible brain knows that the only kink that I can realistically manage is fantasy kink. Perfectly controlled and stage managed fantasies in which every blow and touch falls on just the right place and in just the right fashion. I know that it's artificial sweetener instead of sugar, but it is easy to digest. In my mind, there are two perfect boys. Sometimes they are sadistic, demanding Doms, sometimes they are sweet, eager to please submissives. Either way, I get to have my hands full. They don't speak much, just little soft words of need. They vanish the minute I open my eyes, but as imaginary companions go, they are just right.