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The online diary of an ethical pervert.

Thursday, 12 March 2009


I'm feeling somewhat better about my place in the world on the other side of a lot of conversations with The Photographer, Knight of Wands and some of my close friends. Which isn't to say that I've come to any resolution or eureka moment, I haven't, but more that I can separate out the difference between "having a bad day" and "being at a crisis point". The latter tends not to recede drastically after the input of some dinner, a glass of wine and a good night's sleep. It's clear enough that there will be some bumps along the journey, certainly I've found some within other relationships in my life so why should poly be any different? I've also found bumps within my BDSM explorations, areas that have been attempted and found to be difficult or at least not going in the direction that might have been expected. Shuttered Lens recently asked me how my "adventures" were doing, and now seems a good time to consider them.

I've stopped dating, pretty much, in the sense that I am not looking for new partners to play with by myself. Some of this is a time concern, I have a full-time job and there are only so many hours in the day. But the majority of it is driven by the fact that I am The Photographer's slave and that connection is empowered and strengthened by specific areas of exclusivity. I get to be his, and it's fantastic, if he's around then I want to spend my time with him. If not, then I tend to spend my time with Knight of Wands Which doesn't leave a lot of room for added extras.

Although there are some, The Photographer and I are investigating co-submission, and part of that is about working out what we want as a pair from these interactions. I am personally very interested in exploring pain and a vocabulary to go with it to better describe the feelings and sensations. We are also keen to see how different styles of D/s might work, to insert ourselves into someone else's fantasy of control - here we are specifically focused on the more psychological aspects perhaps, particularly our shared love of objectification. And of course throughout all of this I want to see how the balance operates between ourselves, what our dynamic might be when serving as a pair.

I have had to let a couple of projects go on the back burner, including the Doll Project, which does rear it's head every now and then - a couple of suggestions for photo-sessions which have failed to materialise due to diary considerations and there has been elements of exploring doll-like mental states whilst being mummified. Technically, I suppose that given my submissive state has a tendency towards the passive and the pleasing, then this is always in the background, but I haven't really had a chance to get my teeth into it. And of course, the search goes ever onwards for that hot bi boy...

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