Dandy and I are settling into something approaching a routine, which is an interesting process in and of itself being as he likes to be freewheeling and I am a creature of habit. However, I'm in charge and am enjoying creating rules that please me. We've done the basics which is exchanging emails on needs and wants, but I've been away from the internet for a while and a little harried by my day job so our meet ups have been much more adhoc than I would have liked. Plus I just haven't been able to put the thinking time into precisely what I want both of us to get out of this aside from a general agreement that it will be fun and pleasurable. That said, we seem to be muddling on fairly well and with a bit of luck and a good following wind I'll have the headspace to do some planning.
Thus far he is under orgasm control, which initially started as a time based rule and has now become a rewards system in which he gets a certain amount of minutes according to how long he spends in the gym or applying for the sort of jobs he wants. I like the fact that the control is geared around agreed points of (for want of a better word) "real life" improvements. Firstly, because it's nice seeing a genuine positive effect as it makes me feel as if my ownership of him is helping make his life better and secondly because these are activities that he does by himself, away from me and therefore this extends my reach over him. Finally, they are non-kinky things that aren't about him getting rewards for pleasing me: adherence to my desires is something that he should do as part of his submission, not because he gets orgasms from it.
I have a rough idea of how I want to take it forward. I'm very much enjoying being an owner, and whilst actual roles and titles are up for grabs (I still haven't got a good "dominant" handle that I feel comfortable wearing) he is, in his own words: my submissive, my boy, my toy, my dog and whatever else I want to call him. As we play, I learn more about him, his body and, most importantly, the way he thinks and feels. He lets me in. And I will shape him.
Sometimes I will naturally do things to him that I would enjoy myself, which has mixed results. Partly because I find that I don't enjoy delivering those things as a dominant, and partly because he doesn't enjoy them as a submissive. Although the natural kinky refrain is to state that his enjoyment stems from mine this is only true to an extent. Forcing him to do something he genuinely hates only has limited appeal - it's a threat and a punishment to be used sparingly. That which is actively unpleasant works because it's something he's doing just for me. More interesting are things that he feels conflicted about, the edges of pleasure/pain and want/not want. A lot of this is around areas of humiliation and debasement. He's very responsive physically and has a medium to low pain threshold which means I am playing more around "sensation" than "pain" - this is quite a good thing as I can find just delivering lots of thwacks rather boring and repetitive. That said, an experiment with e-stim kits last night proved that what I find painful and what he does are separated by rather a gulf which means that self-testing needs to be weighted with that in mind.
I'm finding myself intrigued by moments where I interesting seeing my own submissive behaviours reflected back at me. Like myself, he finds it hard to vocalise when in subspace, I can usually cajole a "yes" or a "no" but more often I will get barks and whimpers. Similarly, there's a definite desire on his part to lie back and be (ab)used. I actually find these situations quite a challenge, the blank empty canvas upon which to pour my requirements can be intimidating, but it's more than balanced out by the amount that I want to do take him. His face takes on a certain soft quality and his lips part just so, and I find myself full of conflicting desires to protect and to harm.
That said, there is still training to be done. He doesn't behave in quite the way that I want him to submit to me - in a way this is rather good as there wouldn't be any moulding for me to do otherwise. I'm setting some more D/s orientated rules that allow him to submit in the way he likes whilst giving me what I need. For example, before he is able to lie back and just be used like a dildo he's got to give me some attention, then put on a condom, then beg to be fucked. I can empathise with how he feels and a bit of my switch-y self wants those sensations and then there is the reminder of how much I enjoy those feelings which means I have a certain bar to reach in order to deliver them.
5 weeks ago