Read all about it

The online diary of an ethical pervert.

Sunday, 18 September 2011

Where have all the single men gone?

Last night saw another of my (now almost famous) failed attempts to have an orgy in a sex club. I strongly suspect that this is pretty much the equivalent of being unable to arrange a piss up in a brewery. I put it down to two main factors - the first is about my feelings in sex clubs as opposed to play clubs, the second about attaining my personal sexual and aesthetic preference.

Take the sex club / play club distinction, fortunately this club (Kinky Salon London) is one of the better clubs that blur the lines between the two, so I feel comfortable exploring my "kink" for transactional vanilla sex here.
I do struggle with "stranger sex" - I am dreadfully fascinated and turned on by it: it's something I keep coming to clubs like this to try and try again. I enjoy the liberation in the idea and the simplicity in bodies, fucking. To be able to let go, bottom out, tune everything else down to white noise and just experience the sensation of other people giving pleasure to me.

The venue is lovingly decorated and everyone has fun outfits and there are smiles all round. There's dungeon kit: experimentation and playfulness is encouraged and I certainly entertained myself by tying a friend of mine down onto a rocking horse rack. However, there was no denying that the majority of activity was fucking, and without the regimen offered by D/s protocol I can find myself somewhat at a loss in what to do, and more importantly, who to do it with.
Given that, I'd rather set my stall on having a lot of "just sex" - perhaps scuppering myself with expectations. In retrospect I should have kept to my natural environment and packed a bunch of toys then loitered by the rack all night doing awful things to kinksters I knew.

I'm a female top and I find it relatively easy to secure female partners at an event like this. Quite aside from the fact that there are a few women at the club that I know (some of whom I first met at the ladies only hen night, and I've become friends with since) there are far more available, interested and openly "up for it" women than men. Case in point: I strap-on within a few minutes of the playroom opening and ask who wants to be fucked. A smiling woman shouts "me!" and I help her onto the bed, fucking her whilst her female partner licked her clit. The gasps and writhing was gratifying and I enjoyed creating those sensations, the transitory pleasure of it and the act of give and take.

I started to look around for another encounter, leading Mr Smith by the hand as we walked the room.
My desire was for another man for a mFm threesome. As I looked around, I saw a lot of male/female couples and a lot of women but very, very few single men, fewer still that I was interested in. The most attractive men there (and being honest, I am exceptionally picky) were with their equally attractive female partners and became quickly "busy" either with another woman or another couple. And even had they not been already engaged - and quite a few seemed to have arrangements already in place -I am uncertain what the etiquette is for approaching a couple with the intent to only fuck one of them, but suspect it's probably rude.

This lack of men is proving to be an ongoing issue for myself and Mr Smith. We initially thought that one had been located - even briefed prior to arrival, but then he arrived with a girl in tow and whilst he seemed keen in general he left early to go to another party. I'm choosing not to take this personally. So eventually, after some pleasant chats with friends we left. And I'm left with a rather worrying thought.

With the notable exception of a small number of my friends: where are all the cute, kinky single men?

Talking to Mr Smith (a classic example of my woe; attractive and we're good match, however he is married and I have no intention of fucking with that) and looking around at munches, clubs and events and you would be forgiven for thinking that the scene was entirely populated by attractive young women in fetching outfits. Perhaps it is because they are the most noticeable, but I suspect that it is, in fact, that they are more comfortable making themselves noticed - whereas single men do not. Here are some of my more general thoughts on why. Another, more worrying thought was around how the scene, and indeed how society itself, reacts to the single man: note that I'm now moving on to more broader areas and not talking about that club night superficially which actually does a damn good job of standing head and shoulders above the behaviours and attitudes of many sex clubs.

There's been a lot of conversations about the different treatment and expectations towards men and women in sex clubs and the fetish scene. There are higher prices for single men in many clubs, some clubs do not let men in until later on and there is a real wariness even amongst the nicest of young men around being "that guy". In tandem to these practical and social exclusions there is also a lack of perceived opportunity. The play balance in clubs is strongly towards girl-on-girl, girl-on-boy or girl-boy-girl sex. That's a lot of girls and not a lot of boys. I know no woman who would not play with or touch another woman and I'm not prepared to call women more "naturally" bisexual because that is a ghastly bag of assumptions. What women are, is socialised to be more bisexual - women fucking each other is
is accepted to the point of expected, especially for male pleasure. Bisexual men are made invisible, or in the cases of a few ghastly swinging clubs, actively discouraged. Shame on them.

What do these two things have in common with a notable lack of available men in the scene? Well, for a start, women are occupied with each other or with known partners. I imagine that many new men will come to an event, hang around on the sidelines and then leave - unable to make a connection because of this sense of exclusion. Secondly, the various other barriers to attendance mean that many men may never make it into the scene at all until they secure a girlfriends or partner who can then act as a safety net against any potential accusations of being that guy. Add to this the difficulty that many men feel around presenting themselves as sexual anyway and I'm starting to wonder perhaps all of these potential kinky chaps are at home, fantasising about it but unable to come out and play.


Anonymous said...

If you want to find any old single man, that seems to be relatively easy. Finding one that people generally think is (a) attractive or (b) a generally good, kind, nice and trustworthy person, seems to be really, really difficult.

Try this little exercise:
1. Say to anyone 'I'm trying to find a [boyfriend/sex partner... choose words as appropriate], but just seems like there are no desirable single men out there.'
2. They say, and they always say this: 'Oh there are LOADS, don't be ridiculous. You're just not noticing them.'
3. Ask this person, 'Oh that's great news. So, I guess you have a single male friend or two that you could introduce me to?'
4. You'll then be extremely lucky if it turns out that they can think of even one man that they know who is single and that they also consider a good catch.

It's one of those classics where a huge amount of pressure is put on women to achieve the unachievable.

M said...

Great post e.d. The woes of being a single man! An issue that speaks to me.

It sounds like the party was enjoyable for many women! I'm always afraid of being 'that guy'. I'm afraid of being 'that guy' in vanilla situations, such as when I'm out with my friends at a club, or if I'm on my own at an event where I'm really passionate about it.

Social anxiety not added to the mix, I have recently employed a 'fuck it' attitude. I have lately gone to events where I'm more interested in visiting than the company there (i.e. I don't know anybody), and I try to be content about it and mingle.

I'm very sensitive to appearing to be 'that guy', i'm generally bad at garnering interest when I'm interested in a person sexually, but lets put that aside as unique to me. How is a single guy to go about their business in a scene event? Sometimes I notice well meaning people notice that I'm afraid of being that guy (all meta now) and are nice, but I'm not so good at being forward without it appearing lecherous or such.

I'm working on it, and once I've worked something out I'll probably write a guide titled 'how to not look like a public masturbator', but for now, I try just being as disarming as possible and just be passionate about whatever the subject of the event is about.

A note to self: I need to go to more events, i've been reluctant for fear of being 'that guy' when I don't know anybody. I try to be disarming, I think that helps a little in my experience.

Always a pleasure to read your blog. I'm also saddened that your orgy didn't happen, as it would invariably be a post on this blog.

With Kind Regards

J said...

The last paragraph really stuck with me. I'm definately sensitive to being seen as 'that guy', especially as I like the idea of strapons but don't want to be seen as a pervert by the masses. Well, not in a 'that guy' sense.

For now I'm just another profile on Fetlife, however I do plan on getting back out there eventually (one TG isn't enough).